Who The Flicka?: Elise Free

Who The Flicka? is an ongoing series where we spotlight our amazing contributors and make them answer our questions.

This week’s featured contributor is Elise Free, author of posts like “Why Amy Schumer Is A Role Model For My Daughter” and “I Never Have To Get Married Again – Woo Hoo!

Where are you from?

I grew up in Des Moines, Iowa and decided at a very young age that it was not a cool place to live. So the day I graduated from college, I hit the road with my cat and my very stylish 1985 Honda Accord for California! I was going to make it big in Hollywood as a writer for television. My first night in L.A., my Honda was stolen. Fortunately my cat was not in it. I learned quickly that L.A. was nothing like the Norman Rockwell existence I had lived until this point. My first clue was my neighbors, Pete and Tilly: porn stars who stopped by one day to borrow a turkey baster. This is common occurrence in Iowa, a neighbor borrowing a cup of sugar, or pie pan. But I told Pete and Tilly that since it was not Thanksgiving, they could just keep that turkey baster. My other neighbor was a Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike heroin dealer and addict who slept more in the hallway than in his apartment. Despite my strange welcome, I stayed in L.A. for sixteen years, had a kiddo, and did not make it big in hollywood. But I did survive a drive-by shooting. So that’s something! Last year, with kid and another cat in tow, I made the trek back to the homeland for fresh air, zero traffic, family love and mosquitos the size of minivans. And while I was away, Iowa became a very cool place to live. Either that or I’m old.

What do you do?

I’m a mom, so I wander the house most of the day picking things up and putting them away so that when my daughter gets home from school, she can immediately get them out again to ensure I’ll have something to do tomorrow. She’s so thoughtful! But when I’m not fighting the Sisyphean task of parenthood, I’m a personal assistant to a television director. He directs NCIS, which I hear is a good show. I wouldn’t know because I’m too busy picking up beanie babies and organizing lego sets to watch TV. Oh, and I just finished a screenplay and cleaned the bathroom.

Do you have kids? How many? (tell us a little about them)

I have a ten year old daughter, Adelaide. She’s a spitfire and the love of my life. She has Cystic Fibrosis, which is a genetic disease that affects the respiratory and digestive systems. We work hard to keep her healthy with daily treatments and lots of meds. She is incredibly healthy and kicking CF butt! She also has a fantastic sense of humor and is as smart as a whip! Not that I’m biased.

Most embarrassing moment?

I pooped my pants. That’s all you need to know. Pooped. My. Pants.

If you could trade places with anyone in the world for a day, who would it be?

This is not a specific person, but someone who lives a very specific life. She lives in Tahiti and gets massages for a living. Not gives–gets massages for a living.

What is your favorite four letter word?

Well gosh, I never swear. Okay, okay, it’s not four letters, but it’s a good one. My favorite descriptive word for bad drivers, health insurance costumer service reps, and politicians is douche bag. It starts out soft, sounds almost like a compliment in French, but then ends with that hard G! Douche bag.