My Uterus And I Are Breaking Up

If all goes as planned, I’m only going to have two more periods. Ever. In my life. That’s because my uterus and I are breaking up. Yep. It’s official. I just scheduled my hysterectomy for mid-September.

Over the past few years my uterus has put me through hell. I’m talking heavy, irregular periods with cramps sometimes resulting in full body aches and chills. The worst part of it all has been the intense back pain! It has been so severe with ovulation and periods that I haven’t been able to go for a run, or play with my kids when I want. Hell, I haven’t even been able to do anything but lay in bed with a heating pad some days. And let’s not even speak of the brutal and irrational mood swings my family has had to endure. It’s a wonder Child Protective Services hasn’t started a file with my name on it by now.

In an attempt to control my symptoms I have been on every type of birth control known to man, and even spent the last 6 months completely off of birth control – made possible by my husband’s vasectomy which he refuses to let me blog about. So let’s refer to it as an “alleged” vasectomy for public record. But things have only gotten worse as time has passed. Clearly my uterus is desperately crying out for attention. But there’s just no pleasing this bitch.

Last fall, suspecting Endometriosis, my doctor ordered laparoscopy surgery so she could get a first hand look. But there was very little endo to be found. Seriously? You couldn’t just make things easy, could you, Uterus? For now, my doctor suspects Adenomyosis (It’s a condition that affects the inner lining of the uterus. Google it…or don’t. It’s pretty gross.)

When I think back on things, it’s not just the past few years that have been problematic. My uterus has been a total bitch for roughly 25 years. I mean, I was 12 when she blessed me with her first “gift.” Of course she had to do it while I was at the State Fair just trying to have fun and look for cute boys. The horror! I should have known my uterus was feisty from the very get go. Then there were the years you could find me any given month, doubled over with pain (and dramatic teenage flair) because of my cramps. Oh yeah, the worst was that one time when my uterus decided that my first pregnancy just wasn’t going to make it past the 9 week mark. That was miserable…and terribly sad.

So after all these years of putting up with my uterus’ bullshit, I thought I would be relieved and excited to hear my doctor say, “I think it’s time for a hysterectomy.” But oddly…I felt sort of…meloncholy. I mean, even though I’ve spent months cursing my uterus, she did spend 27+ months safely housing my three beautiful babies. She made me feel like a woman. The thought of losing her just seems so, I don’t know, final. (Jeez…codependent much?)

Not gonna lie. Having surgery is scary. I worry about the recovery process. I’m not quite sure how to let myself be out of commission for a few weeks while I heal. The ultimate test of letting go of control, right? Also, any chance a uterus weighs 10 pounds? I’d REALLY love to finally make my Weight Watchers goal when they take her out. But my biggest worry of all is that I’ll discover maybe it wasn’t PMS…maybe I’m just a raging bitch, with AND without a uterus. It’s a very real possibility. Wish me luck, you guys. I’m going to need it.

Originally posted at Marie’s blog.

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