Top 5 Reasons I Will Cut You

Have you seen the shower scene in Psycho? Yes, that would be me, headed toward my husband with a big, shiny knife; preferably sharp. For as long as I can remember, I’ve told Andy (the infamous husband) that I would stab him in his sleep. I can’t remember exactly how it started but, it’s an ongoing joke now. Yes, I can understand how some of you may not deem stabbing as a joke. In my defense, we’ve been together twelve years; if I were going to stab him, I would have gutted him like a fish by now. I mean that in the most loving way possible, of course.

Do you have the perfect marriage? Is your partner the best thing since the self-adhesive stamp? Is your relationship just one big picturesque journey running through a field of daisies toward one another?

5. If you answered yes to any of these questions, I WILL CUT YOU.

Relationships are work. If your relationship is fabulous, great! Just don’t lead people to believe that it is perfect. Perfection is unattainable. I love my husband & I wouldn’t trade him for the world. That does not change the fact that I want to stab him sometimes.

4. If you act like a man child, I will cut you.

I do not need some overgrown kid sitting around our living room with his friends playing video games all evening long. This exact thing happened in the beginning of our relationship. It lasted a year, maybe two. Fortunately, all that goodness/company stopped. Guys, STEP AWAY from the video games.
If you step foot through the door and the first thing I do is ask you to do something; chances are, I am beat down and exhausted after being responsible for three people all day & I really need your help.

3. If you reply with, “I just worked all day, let me sit down and rest for a minute,” I will cut you.

You just worked all day? What in the H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS do you think I do all day, talk on the phone? Have you tried talking on the phone with two kids under the age of seven in the room?

Do you have five clothes baskets at your house and a husband that is still incapable of ringing any of them? I have argued my point for twelve years and have finally thrown in the proverbial towel. I leave his clothes on the floor, I just kick them over to the side; when he rings the basket, they get washed. If it’s the weekend, he may just be on his own.

2. If you leave your clothes piled up in the floor all week and put them in the basket to be washed on the weekend, I will cut you.

Well, we’ve now made it to the Granddaddy of all cuts, the number one reason that I will cut you; “the bleeder”, if you will:

1.If you manscape your Robertson beard on my bathroom sink & leave ANY inclination that you have done so, I WILL CUT YOU.

It doesn’t matter if I just cleaned or I haven’t cleaned in a week. It’s disgusting & it merits cutting. You better sleep with eye open.

I do hope you’ve enjoyed my Top 5 Reasons I Will Cut You. There were going to be ten but, I have feeling if I shared much more, I may just be the one getting cut.

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