The Truth About Toddlers

Knowledge is power.

Unfortunately no one really educates you on the weird details of toddler hood. Maybe because they are so bizarre that people don’t know how to handle it. Like when Google did away with their feed reader. You hint to talk about it but you just can’t.

Here are 15 things I’ve learned from both my toddlers in the last year:

1. My left, or right, bra strap has become stretched beyond usefulness. 
My toddlers hang onto it like a lifeline. Like a walk from the kitchen to the car is equivalent to a mechanical bull ride.

2. My shirt collars have zero elasticity left in them. 
My toddlers feel a need to use it to climb on me and get my attention, just to protest being put down. Every shirt has become an over exaggerated scoop neck.

3. Toddler snot materializes as soon as I wipe it. 
It’s bionic mucous.

4. They’re in charge. 
Reverse psychology, bribery and negotiations only work if they say it’s okay.

5. They don’t care.
They can go an entire day with both legs through one leg hole of their underwear, pants, or shorts and walk around like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

6. They’re Limitless
Setting a limit on toilet paper amounts for a potty training is pointless. I’ve learned to just hand them the roll before going to get the plunger.

7. Toddlers are eager to help. 
I take advantage of someone who is so excited about tossing laundry into the dryer. Of course, laundry tossing turns into exactly that. Tossing laundry. Everywhere.

8. They love to Splash
My kids MUST reenact the breech of a humpback whale as soon as they get into the bathtub. Because without several gallons of water all over the floor, they simply cannot bathe.

9. My Toddlers don’t eat. 
They’ll run off energy from four grapes for two whole weeks before fueling up again.

10. They like to do everything.
Their attention span is so small that we often do 40 different activities in less than four minutes.

11. They will step on me to get past me. 
Not around me. Not over me. On me. And they pinch leg or arm fat along the way. Every. Single. Time.

12. My spouse and I have learned the art of teamwork.
We’ve worked together diligently, with a booger sucker and a flashlight, to extract play-doh from our toddler’s ear.

13. My toddlers teach me how to pretend again. 
Like, pretending I didn’t really see my one-year old drink from a puddle on the ground. That was formed by over splash from the dog’s water bowl.

14. They do weird things.
I’ve had to tell my child to quit biting my toes. Seriously.

15. Silence is not golden.
The only thing more frightening than silence and toddlers in another room is silence and the sound of something heavy being dragged across the floor….

God bless mothers of multiples.

Originally posted at Christina’s blog, Raisins and Goldfish. Photo courtesy of NCEE.