Talk Dirty To Me…

Seven years into the nuptials and 4 babies/liabilities later, it takes a lot to excite me. Really, these days even a half-naked Channing Tatum whispering in my ear the things he’d like to do to me would merit a “Shhhhh, could you stop breathing in my ear? Your hot breath is annoying and I’m trying to finish this book.” Sure, I like to admire the husband’s toned bod pumping weights in the garage, and it might cause my heart to be tickled if I let my mind wander for a bit, but I usually get diverted by the dishes in the sink before we make anything of it.

However, the other day the husband did something that provoked my libido, made me want to rip his clothes off, and smooch his sexy face. As I was making my rounds through the house, picking up socks and underwear to start a load of laundry, I caught a glimpse of the husband cleaning out the garage. I couldn’t help but take notice, for this was a rare occurrence. (Before I go any further , allow me to give credit where credit is due: the husband is anything but slothful, and is in fact hard working and a great provider; however, his house is his sanctuary and he’s content with lounging around on his days off as a reward for his long hours on the job…). However, as the queen of the house, I need order, and with only one set of hands, there’s only so much I can do. So, back to the story… I’d been asking him to assist in the household duties for quite some time and he would always reassure me, “Ok, I’ll do it later… after the game’s over… after I’m done taking a nap…” *WTF. Is it just me or is the husband’s response of “later” usually an attempt to pacify and generally “code” for, ‘I’m not doin’ that shit on my day off’…

I’m no advocate of domestic violence and I undoubtedly don’t promote hostile behavior, but I concede that my auto-reaction to these responses is always a smart ass quip and visual/daydreamish scene (in my mind of course) of me head-butting him or drop-kicking him to the curb as I finish the request myself. I can’t blame the husband, it is partially my fault. Behaviorists would say that I have trained him to respond this way. He has been taught that if it’s not done when I want it done, all he has to do is sit around for another 30 minutes then the wife’s OCD will kick in = job done. So, after the house is uncontaminated, I’ve taken out the trash, dusted, vacuumed, pulled the weeds, systematized the sock drawer, and the other tedious dumb shit that is essential in keeping an orderly house, the husband will look up from the T.V. and exclaim, “Wow, the house looks great, but I would have done it if you would have just been patient.” …”No worries sweetie,” I respond with a smile, if looks could kill.

Anyway, back to the jaw-dropping moment: There was the husband, throwing out junk and organizing the garage. He had my full attention. He continued to the front of the house to clear the walk-way and move the “give-away junk” away from sight. In slow motion I watched his muscles flex as he lifted and strained his hard-working arms and then peering up from the sweat of his brow, as if he hadn’t noticed me watching, he asked, “Hey love, is there anything else you need done today?”

“Ahhhhhhhh, talk dirty to me baby,” I thought.

He just looked so dang erogenous taking care of business. For a second I thought, should I be suspicious of such a pro-active manner? But that thought was fleeting as he continued on with his work, checking off my list of honey-dos, without complaint. Later that night as the kids lay their heads upon their pillows, I lay my head on the husband’s chest… he rubbed my back and whispered naughty notions in my ear, “Tomorrow I’m going to the dump to get rid of that junk I cleared out of the garage. After breakfast, I’ll wash the cars and fix the dishwasher too.”

As a working woman, mother to many, and the jack-of-all trades when it comes to keeping the house in order, I can say in all sincerity: there is no bigger turn-on in these child-rearing/house managing stages of life then the husband taking care of business around the house; doing things without being asked, taking care of the ‘honey-dos’, using his God-given strength to partake in the house-management duties.

A Note to the Men: You better believe that when the day is done, and you’ve done your part and helped out with “the humdrum,” Momma bear will have a whole lot more verve to handle business in the bed.

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