Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Sex Guide

Anyone who says they don’t think about anything else other than sex while they’re doing the deed is like someone saying they only eat one bowl of cereal: YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF LIARS. 

Okay, we’re kidding. Maybe you do only think about sex while you’re having it, but in that case you’re a rare unicorn and we’d love to chat. Most of us are so preoccupied with the daily stresses of life that it’s impossible for our mind not to wander. We’re still enjoying it – we just get a little preoccupied.

Here are 10 non-sex things women think about during sex.

1. “Why did I eat so much today?!”

It’s like the minute we’re doing it, every snack/bad choice comes to the forefront of our minds. Did we really need to eat that leftover Pop Tart our kid didn’t touch? Whoops.

2. “The bathroom is really overdue for a good scrubbing.”

The bathtub tile really shouldn’t be that color…

3. “Shit, I have so much laundry to do.”

YEAH, and this bitch needs to do the whites ASAP. Uh, I mean, yes that feels good….

4. “John Stamos must be a vampire.”

Does he age? Like, does he?

5. “If the kids wake up I will weep gently into the night.”

Listen, once you have kids it’s hard to get in the sexy time. So yeah, we’re thinking about a zillion other things, but if the kids wake up and interrupt, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.

6. “I could definitely go for some pizza.”

Forget #1, we could seriously put away an entire medium by ourselves. We’re technically working out right now anyway.

7. “Is this almost over? Because I take my sleep very seriously and this is kiiiind of cutting into it.”

Must. Not. Fall. Asleep. Repeat.

8. “Did the kids brush their teeth before they went to bed?”

Honestly, it’s anyone’s guess at this point.

9. “When was the last time I showered?”

When you’re trying to keep an entire household in order and making sure your kids stay in tact, showering is the last thing on your mind.

10. “Did I forget to DVR the latest episode of Scandal?!”

MAYBE the most horrifying thought to have during sex.

Featured image via. GIFs via 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10

Men trying to explain things they don’t understand will forever be one of the most hilarious things on the planet. Facts recently gathered a bunch of men and asked them to explain complex and fancy dildos (yes, dildos can be classy!), and the outcome is so great.

There was lots of confusion.

And quite a bit of fascination.

And lots of discomfort.

Oh fellas, stick to what you know! Let this video brighten your day. May we add, it’s best enjoyed with a glass of wine?

 

I have a sad story to tell. I don’t know the statistics, but I’m guessing just about every woman with a vagina will suffer from the ailment of which I am about to speak of.

Last week, I wrote a post about having sex for the first time after baby. If you missed it, you can read it here.

I received a comment from an older woman. Her name is Marcie. She told me about her friend. Her name is Bonnie.

They are both on the other side of menopause. Which means they are dryer than a prune on the equator.

Marcie is lucky. Her hubs doesn’t care much about sex anymore, therefore, Marcie doesn’t have to worry about it. Because, and I quote, “sex after childbirth is nothing compared to what you will face after menopause! It is painful beyond belief! Sex after menopause is like sticking knives AND sandpaper in there.

Thanks Marcie. Glad to know that I have something fun to look forward to. I love the feeling of sandpaper in my vijay jay. Said no woman ever.

Now, her friend Bonnie isn’t so lucky. She happens to be married to a sex machine. Pretty much no amount of KY Jelly will do the trick. There are drugs with dangerous side effects that she has to take so that her man can get his rocks off. And these drugs don’t even work all that great. I just hope she’s able to achieve the big “O” for her troubles.

Why is it that men can go at it like little Jack Rabbits and can procreate until their last breath? I still am amazed at how far Tony Randall went. That little horn dog. May he rest in peace. I just hope he’s not trying to hump my grandmother up there. Oh right, he likes the younger ladies.

What was I saying? Oh yes…sorry about that.

I love men. I really do. This is in no way a man bashing post. I’m just stating the obvious. And, also, I need to say that I’m totally coming back as a man in my next life. Because seriously, if I don’t have to have my ass ripped open by a human head ever again, I wouldn’t be happier.

Anyway, I did a little comparison. Correct me if I’m wrong.

What women have to endure:

  1. Painful periods with mega bleeding out of their down between, cramps, nausea, migraines and mood swings for 7 days or more each month from adolescence until — dear God — too long.
  2. Childbirth. 9+ months of carrying a person on the inside of our bodies like an alien and then enduring hours of having to push this person into the world through a small hole. It doesn’t seem natural. But yet, it is.
  3. Menopause. Why do they call it this? To pause the menses? Then just pause it Mother Effing Nature and move along.
  4. Atrophy of the Vagina or Dried Vagina Syndrome. Sure, maybe that should fall under menopause but I truly and deeply in my heart feel that it needs its very own bullet point. No further explanation needed.
  5. Sagging butt, boobs and mid-life gut (or as the kid likes to refer to it as the “fupa” (pronounced foo-pah — pretty huh?)).

Just so you know, my husband looks better than the day I met him. Why does the gray hair at his temples look sexy when my gray hair just makes me look like an unkempt old maid? I have to pay hundreds of dollars a year to prevent this look from taking over my life. That is not a lie. But I digress.

What men have to endure:

  1. Premature ejaculation. I’ll give it to them that this must suck.
  2. Not able to “perform.” Eh. It happens to the best of us.
  3. The fear of someone kicking them in the gonads. I heard that’s pretty painful. Although I have been elbowed in the breast and it’s not like picking daisies.
  4. Wet dreams. I don’t know, it sounds kind of fun, no?

Okay, so we have 5 and they have 4. But can we compare apples to apples? No, it’s more like comparing apples to watermelon. Or even worse, an apple to the Loch Ness Monster. Does that sound dumb and not make sense? Exactly.

Now I am no man. So, I don’t know what it’s like to be one. But my hubs doesn’t complain about anything unless his stomach hurts, he cuts his finger or has a cold. Therefore, to me that means that there isn’t much to complain about.

Unlike us. See above. Yet, we do these things and we do it with dignity. Because, hello? Girl Power, that’s what.

May I just say before I go that may God never change the rules and decide that men should give birth. Because hello? That’s scarier than the thought of the apocalypse. Don’t you think?

This post was originally featured on Maureen’s blog, Momfeld. Featured image via

Note to Dad: This post is about S-E-X and a certain daughter of yours. Do not read any further if you think you might have nightmares. You have been duly warned.

When people talk about sex after kids, the first thing that comes to my mind is not sex after kids, but sex after babies. Like right after. It’s been a long time. I mean, it’s been a long time since I gave birth to my kid. 16 years, 4 months and 10 days to be exact.

So, can I legitimately talk about this subject? Do I have the right? Damn straight I do. Because having sex for the first time after healing from childbirth is like having someone clean out your insides with a scythe that has been wrapped in 60 grit sandpaper. Sure, that sounds pretty painful. That’s because it is.

Not something soon to be forgotten with time. No matter what they say. It’s a lie. Like saying that you will soon forget about the pain of pushing an 8 pound person out of your nether-area. Your lady jewels. Your motherly loins. That, too, is a lie. Because 16 years, 4 months and 10 days later I remember that shit as if it happened just yesterday. It’s as fresh as a daisy in the subconsciousness of my mind.

I dreaded it. “Six weeks” the good doctor said. When I arrived home after my postpartum appointment and the hubs was waiting with bated breath, looking for the green light, I should have lied. Six months probably would have been more like it.

I wasn’t dreading it because I dislike sex. I was dreading it because I know precisely what went on down below during childbirth. Things got pulled, stretched and ripped in places that should NEVER have been…well, at least ripped. Apparently, pulled and stretched is acceptable given the fact that we are the lucky God-chosen gender to have been given the gift of child bearing. But I digress.

Between walking like a stud with the biggest set of scrotums known to man for 2 weeks to avoid any chafing and spending 3/4 of my time sitting on a sitz-bath for 10 days to relieve the horrid pain exuding from my bottom, the last thing I needed was to have all that down there invaded by the exact thing that got me in that situation in the first place.

No, I wasn’t holding any grudges. It wasn’t his fault that this was how we chose to have a family. We both agreed to it. We did. But dang, a little advanced notice would have been nice. You know, maybe before we got into this situation called being pregnant?

The light turned GREEN and it was game time. The pain made my toes curl, took the breath out of me, made me want to cry out for my mama. But I didn’t do that. Cry out for my mama. That would have been weird. And a major buzz kill.

But don’t worry. After that first time, all is well. Every time after that is hunky-dory. Back to normal. Have all the sex you want. Well, that is if you can come out of your lack-of-sleep induced coma from having a newborn wake you up at all ungodly hours of the night. Then by all means, carry on. You’re a trooper.

This post was originally featured on Maureen’s blog, Momfeld. Photo via

Whether you are a man or a woman, there are times in our lives where we feel less capable of pleasing others than before. We have lost our knack for it, our desire. By contrast the older we get, the more we know ourselves and grow in our capacity to reveal our powerful seductive power! That thing we have inside us that makes up our beauty and our charm – it is not always easy to identify. However, as soon as you know how to bring to the surface the traits that make you unique, revealing your seductive power is easy!

1. Impress – while remaining yourself

We’re not saying seduction isn’t tricky, no matter what age you are! To seduce is to liberate all your rough edges that let the other click with our personality.

In love, you cannot seduce the other in any kind of enduring way if you do not offer the other the essence of yourself. That is, if you do not liberate yourself and all that makes you unique, special, charming… You can read about this in more detail in my article on the basics of seduction.

We fail to succeed in seduction when we do not know ourselves, when we do not embrace certain traits we have and we present only certain aspects of ourselves, when we want to control the seductive process… The results? Instead of loving the other and letting them see who we really are, we show them one page – even if it is a perfect page –that doesn’t trigger any emotion in them. Falling in love is to be moved by a personality, because it brings out something authentic about a person.

The older we get, the more we tend to want to present ourselves in what we think is our best light. However, to release our inner seductive self, we should be doing the opposite!

2. What must I liberate for him to love me as I am?

Sure we all know more or less how to create attraction, but if we don’t find love, it’s because there’s something we don’t understand: we have to give the other footholds so that they can love us long term!

Put all your charm on show. It hides as well in your imperfections, your contradictions, in your doubts… so don’t lose time putting together a persona that is only 50% you when it’s the other 50% that make you special and touch the other in the deepest part of himself!

3. Seduction and Age Differences

Women between 18 and 30 years old have the upper hand because men feel less mature and less knowledgeable of ways to seduce than they do.

Women realize little by little that they are goddesses of seduction until 30/35 years of age. From 35 onwards, the first signs of the onset of the aging process appear and, along with them comes the impression that the woman cannot please in the same way she might have done before. Meanwhile, men are finally gaining their full seductive power as they grow in self confidence.

At around 45 or 50, women start to experience a renewal both in their confidence and in their seductive power because they are aware of their charm and have left their midlife crises behind them. They are also more at ease with their sex appeal and opening themselves to another without disguising themselves. They are no longer slaves to the beauty dictums because they understand, thanks to their experience, that seduction is above all a case of revealing your true self and not putting up a show. They therefore can play a deeper game of seduction.

Seduction, then, is all about the seductive being. This means being in a positive state of mind that shows us as nice and attractive. In sum, it is a message of well-being addressed to the world where you reveal all the things that make you unique!

Photo courtesy of blogspot.

Recovering post-delivery is tough for us moms. It takes time to jump back in to that place called “The Bedroom,” ready for action. After all, your body has become an out of control milk-producing machine, you have 10 (or more) extra pounds on your frame, and you’re an exhausted mom to a newborn. Who wants to get sexy?

But my friends and I are 2 years, or more, postpartum, and can I say it has gotten easier?

Not really.

Sure, as time has moved on we’ve shed our postpartum weight and our children now sleep through the night. So days of raging romps in the bed, harkening back to our honeymoon highlights, should be ours for the taking, right?

Nope. For, mamas, we are still exhausted, our bodies still don’t feel like ours, and lazy Saturday mornings once reserved for snuggling with our sweethearts are now the property of 7 am cartoons and Cheerios.

But I am here to tell tired moms everywhere that we CAN get our groove back.

Here are 7 tips to help us moms get back in the bedroom:

1. Take time to take care.
I know that taking the time to get a haircut, schedule an eyebrow wax, or sit for a pedicure can be hard to find. Hell, sometimes finding time to SHOWER can be hard to find. But find it. Nothing will kill your mood faster than realizing you haven’t shaved in 3 days or feeling a stray chin hair in the dark. Sure, your partner might not notice these things, but you have to feel sexy to be sexy. So take time to tend to yourself.

2. Get good underwear.
I mean, if you want to parade around the house in the best lingerie that is great. I am sure your partner will appreciate it just as much as you (see that “feeling sexy to be sexy” point again). But even if garters aren’t in your closet at least throw out the maternity panties.

3. Turn on some mood music.
Drown out all house noises when it is time. You might argue that music is distracting. But if you don’t select some soothing background sounds your finely honed motherly instincts will believe that every single noise you hear is your child. Who can focus then?

4. Make time for it.
If a Google calendar block is what it takes, do it. Don’t let your bedroom activities get crowded out by everything else busy parents need to do. Make this a priority and make time for it. Date nights and weekends away help, if you can arrange them.

5. Be creative.
And I don’t mean that way…Be creative with finding time. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Get going when time surprisingly presents itself. Do your kids still nap? Bingo! Do both of you need to shower? Fantastic! Don’t be shy and think outside the pre-bed nighttime box.

6. Love yourself.
As women and moms we are incredibly hard on our bodies, striving for some unachievable body. You have to love yourself, embrace your body, and thank your body for the fact that it produced life. Don’t see your body as a bunch of negatives; look at the beautiful piece of miracle that is everything about you. Then give it to your partner as a gift.

7. Love your partner.
It takes two to tango. You have to love your partner. Quit looking past your partner to see only your child. Start to notice times when you and your mate are relaxed together, when your partner surprises and amazes you. Whenever you feel that appreciation of and love for your partner, grab it, and run with it (straight to the bedroom).
Moms, these 7 little tips may seem overwhelming but I think we can do them. I think if we take it one step at a time, making time to love ourselves, we can get our groove back.

Oh. Wait, one last thing:
Wine. Lots of wine.

Have a happy week of love.