Birthday boy Ja’Myron thought he was getting in huge trouble for something he definitely didn’t do, but it turns out he was getting his dream birthday gift.

His mom, very convincingly tells him that a package arrived with his name on it, and berates him for ordering things off the internet. Little does he know, the package is an iPod touch with his name on it… from Mom.

Turns out, moms do know how to have fun. We’ve known it all along!

Brody Criz decided to make this hilarious Bar Mitzvah invitation video parodying Pharrell, John Legend, Lorde, and many others. Stick around for the end — it’s a doozy.

The video opens with a parody of Pharrell’s “Happy,” featuring the whole family dancing down the street…

“The countdown’s begun to my Mitzvah day!” Brody sings. His family seems super excited…

EXCEPT FOR THIS GRUMPY BROTHER.

U MAD BRO?!

Ugh.

UGH!

Suddenly, Brody transforms into Lorde and starts parodying “Royals.”

Brody’s version of the song is called “Spoiled” because it’s his big day, dammit.

“They’ll all do what I say because this here’s my party. And I’m allowed to be spoiledddddddd.”

The grand finale is a “Blurred Lines” parody where Brody really bares it all.

Stay gold, Brody! Hope you have an amazing Bar Mitzvah.

This post was originally featured on Buzzfeed

Ahh, Elizabeth Banks: a woman after our own heart. She clearly understands our love for piña coladas. And sangria. Also margaritas. And her video has just given us the hankering for an entirely new cocktail that’s basically a combination of all three. All hail the cocktail queen!

SEE MORE: Drunk Moms Talk About Their Kids

Sometimes (maybe even lots of times), we all need a little “mom juice”. In this beautifully touching video, drunk moms were prompted with questions ranging from “what do you love most about your kids?” to “what was pregnancy like?” The latter prompted this succinct response: “That’s the weirdest shit anybody can ever deal with.” Truth.

SEE MORE: Girl With A Phobia Of Tumbleweeds Drives Through A Ton Of Tumbleweeds

“Honey, they’re just sagebrush.” Real talk, tumbleweeds are kind of terrifying.

We’ve put together everything you need for the TMNT party of your kids’ dreams!

1.) Food

Mini Pizzas!

These mini pizzas are perfect for kids – just pull out the ingredients, let the kids assemble their own, and man the oven!

Dirt Cups

It literally doesn’t get any easier than this – premade pudding cups, crumbled up oreos, and a gummy worm make for some deliciously disgusting dirt!

Slime Juice

No TMNT party would be complete without slime juice. Follow this 3 ingredient recipe to really gross out your guests!

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image via

TMNT Cupcakes

Kick your treats into high gear with these simple no-fuss cupcakes. Bake your favorite cupcake, add some turtle green frosting, add a colored stripe and googly eyes and you just earned your “parent-of-the-year” card.

2.) Decor

Masks

Use this stencil and a few simple tools to create personalized TMNT masks!

Green & Black Balloons

If you want to get really fancy you can decorate the balloons – or better yet, let the kids draw characters on them – but just plain green and black will do!

3.) Crafts/Games:

Make your own nunchucks

Who knew that black pool noodles and ribbon could look so cool?

Bounce house turtle training

4.) Goodie Bags

Turtle goodie bags

Send guests home with a little something to remember the day by!

For more TMNT inspiration, check out the TMNT Pinterest Page!

Pre-order Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles now!

We’ve all seen it happen: A train wreck of a marriage, headed down a one-way track to Miseryville, with a small layover at Domestic Violence, USA.

Whether it’s family, friends, or the librarian we’ve befriended in an effort to reverse erroneous late fees, most of us have witnessed the marriage of two people who should probably just honor the restraining orders and keep their distance.

The worst part is when you’re in the wedding party, and asked to give a speech and toast the couple at the reception.

Actually, that’s not the worst part. The worst part is going with the bride to have warts removed from her bikini line.

It’s hard to know what to say to a couple you neither like nor support. However, because I’m good to you, my dear readers, and because I’ve been in this situation before, I’ve decided to offer advice on how to write a speech when you don’t care for the couple getting married.

These recommendations are fool-proof and have worked at dozens of weddings over the years.

**DISCLAIMER: I have no idea if these actually worked, as I was always too drunk to remember. However, my memories of the times I followed these rules are glorious, so I can only assume this advice is gold. Isn’t it always?

Focus on yourself.

If it’s a traditional wedding, it’s been about them long enough. From the showers to the bachelorette party to the weekend wedding festivities, it’s time to remind them they aren’t special.
After all, they’re just like everyone else, and after their wedding day, no one will care about their love, or about the lame Christmas ornament they gave as a wedding favor.

(Side note: What’s the deal with giving Christmas ornaments as a wedding favor? Because every year people want to commemorate the day you two a-holes got married and had a party where only bottom shelf liquor was served? Yeah, right. Dumbest. Gift. Ever.)

Get over yourself, Mr. and Mrs. It’s time to talk about someone else.

This tactic is a sure-fire way to make the night less awkward.

Spill some secrets, but don’t spill your drink.

Now is the time to force the couple to come clean of their dirty secrets.

How can they start a life together of subpar happiness if they don’t get all of their secrets out on the table?

Please note you can literally put their secrets out on the table.

This is the perfect time to present any evidence you have of those things they’d rather keep hidden forever.

If only Great Aunt Bessie believed in keeping things hidden forever, we wouldn’t have to stare at her liver-spotted breasts the entire evening.

The maid of honor/best man speech is the time to inform the bride and groom of things they may not know about each other, or about what the other has done.

If you ever made out with the bride or groom (or both), this is the time to discuss it in detail. It clears the air so the couple can start off their marriage on the right foot.

Hopefully that foot won’t be up your ass.

Maybe it’s a more private secret one of them doesn’t want revealed. For instance, does the bride have a drinking problem, downing bottles of mouthwash to hide her addiction while simultaneously getting buzzed and freshening her breath? Now’s the time to point that out.
How is the couple going to grow together if you don’t let these things out in the open?

FYI: Pictures help your credibility, so make sure you have those ready for documentation purposes.
Expose the flaws of the couple.

If they’re going to spend their lives together, they need to know their flaws as a couple. This will prevent issues and problems arising down the road in their marriage.

Do you really want to waste all the money you spent on a hideous bridesmaid dress, a bachelorette party at Worlds of Fun and the sah-weet blender you bought them?

(Well, you could take the blender back but the third-degree burn scar from the malfunctioning roller coaster at Worlds of Fun will be with you forever.)

The reception speech is the best time to bring up the couple’s sexual incompatibility. From his obsession of incorporating choo choo trains into their love-making, to her requirement she violate him with a spatula, now is the time to talk through these issues. It’s best to do it out in the open.
Ironically, out in the open is their favorite place for coitus. Again, something to discuss.

NOTE: Only expose flaws of the couple. DO NOT expose yourself. That comes at the afterparty.
Use vulgarity

It may be awkward at first, but the audience will come around. They always come around.

If not, lay on the profanity harder. It’s a guaranteed charmer.

Vulgarity always works. It f*cking always works.

Get the crowd involved

You don’t have to crowd surf, but make the audience feel like they’re part of it. Send the microphone around the room to the drunkest of guests, and ask for their words of wisdom. This always stimulates conversation.

It also always sparks a fist fight of some sort, which is just another way to make the reception memorable.

If not, there’s always the police reports to document the assaults and good cheer.

I guess that’s all I have for now. I could give more tips but I doubt you want the speech to go on for longer than 25 minutes.

Anything longer than that is just annoying. Anything less than that is a slap in the face to the couple.

Which reminds me, slapping the couple in the face is a good icebreaker and a great way to start your speech.

Cheers!

This post was originally featured on Lisa’s blog. Photo via. 

If you’ve ever had a major party, or a wedding, or an epic Memorial Day barbecue, then chances are you sent out invitations. And if you sent out invitations, then ask yourself this: why didn’t you invite me?

Oh no, wait, that’s not the question I was going to have you ask yourself (although it IS a valid one).

The question you should ask yourself is, “Did anyone RSVP?”

More and more, it seems like the RSVP is ignored. I’m not sure if people get busy and forget, or if RSVP considered a mere suggestion, or if people ignore it because they think it’s just an antiquated leftover from the quaint days of yesteryear (sort of like how we still open letters with “Dear So-and-So,” even if we hate So-and-So’s guts and don’t consider them “dear” even in the slightest). Whatever the case, fewer and fewer people are bothering to répondez, s’il vous plaît these days.

As you well know, this can present a real problem if you’re planning a party. Especially a kid’s birthday party – individually decorated Disney princess-themed cupcakes don’t grow on trees, after all, and you can neither afford to be two dozen short (there’s no faster way to incite a riot among grade-schoolers) nor have two dozen extras (because there’s no faster way to ensure I’ll eat 24 leftover cupcakes).

However, I think I might have found a way to solve the problem.

My theory is that more people would respond if they could tell you were REALLY SERIOUS about needing to know what to expect. With this invitation, the RSVP truly is optional – they’ll have plenty of other choices, so surely one of them will accurately reflect their plans!

If you’d like an even greater ability to plan ahead for your party, why stop at asking guests to RSVP, or to provide information about gifts and the party menu? You might consider including additional sections for the (honest) parents to fill out, such as:

Behavior you should expect from my child:

  • Good.
  • Decent.
  • Perfect – my child is ALWAYS perfect.
  • Hangry tantrums, because I assumed you’d be serving a full lunch at a 1:00 party.
  • Stubborn refusal to get out of the bouncy house.
  • Crying about how unfair it is that the 37¢ toy in her goody bag broke.
  • Pouting, because he was hoping there would be roller skating/bowling/pony rides/whatever activity you’re not doing.
  • Inappropriate stick swinging outside approved pinata area.
  • Hummingbird-level hyperactivity, because we’ve never allowed her to eat sugar and failed to mention that before you gave her cake and ice cream.

That would seriously be nice to know ahead of time, but all you really need are the basics – which are all included in this handy Most Honest Kid’s Birthday Invitation You’ll Ever See. If you only believe one thing I ever say to you, believe this: you’ll want to print this out and use it for your kid’s next party. And when you do, please let me know how that works out – I’m giggling already.

This post was originally featured on Robyn’s blog, Hollow Tree Ventures.