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1. Call the baby by the wrong name. Guilty. I’ve done it. My mom friend handled it well, but talk about embarrassing.
2. Ask if she can cover up while nursing. Breastfeeding is one of the most patience depleting, emotional wrecking balls New Mom will ever face. If she covers up on her own, more power to her. If she whips her boob out to feed her new baby and you’re uncomfortable, dismiss yourself to the kitchen and start loading the dishwasher.
3. Show up unannounced. Call or text first and ask. Aside from being sleep-deprived, exhausted, and sore, there’s a good chance New Mom is also half naked because why put the boobs away if baby is just going to want them again in five minutes?
4. Tell her to sleep when the baby sleeps. Maybe it’s just me, but I hated this piece of advice. Sure, I’ll sleep once all 84 burp rags are washed and put away, my kitchen doesn’t look like a FEMA zone, and my legs don’t bare a not so vague resemblance to Bigfoot.
5. Offer to hold the baby so New Mom can clean her house or shower. You have it backwards. You should offer to do the dishes or make dinner or fold laundry while New Mom enjoys precious moments with her new bundle of joy.
6. Ask her if she’s disappointed she asked for the epidural, had to have a C-section, or anything else that went against her birth plan. Chances are she’s just thrilled that her new baby is home and in her arms. Don’t risk making her feel remorse for making decisions that brought her baby to her bosom.
7. Invite her to Zumba class. Or yoga, pilates, whatever. New Mom just had a new baby and exercising isn’t really in the cards for her right now. Once you have a child, your belly resembles the look and feel of bread dough for a while and, if she’s anything like me, she’ll enjoy a few weeks of playing with it like Play-Doh before concerning herself with getting tight abs in four days.
8. Tell her your perfect child stories. She probably doesn’t wanna hear about how your son slept a full eight hours the first week you were home from the hospital. She probably isn’t interested in how your kid never spit up or was taking Spanish classes at six months. New Mom most likely just wants someone to commiserate with her that this motherhood gig is both exhilarating and exhausting.
9. Stay for hours and hours. Be conscientious of her time and her desire to just bond with her baby. If she wants you to stay, she’ll tell you. If she wants you to leave, she may not. Don’t put her in that difficult spot.
10. Ask her if she’s getting any sleep. She’s not. Don’t bring it up.