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Let’s be honest – life with kids is crazy.
In the midst of pulling out our hair and trying to remain calm when really we are two steps away from losing our sh*t, it’s always nice to take a step back and share in the chaos with fellow parents. Which is why you should take some time out of your hectic day and laugh at these totally hilarious tweets about life with kids.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend. Me: Aww! Sure! 4:You can be the Beast. Me: … 4: Or the fat sea witch!
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it’s 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
The word “balls” will truly never not be funny.
*5yo climbing on my chair Me: “Be careful! I don’t want want you to spill my wine. …Oh I also don’t want you to get hurt or whatever.”
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 10, 2016
My daughter caught me eating the last piece of her birthday cake & the look she gave me will haunt me for the rest of my days.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) February 19, 2014
*Shudders* Hell hath no fury like a child robbed of a piece of cake!
If they’d put the damn box tops on wine boxes, every school would have a heliport by now.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 4, 2015
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 2, 2014
Excuse me 3 year old, this is a judgement free zone.
Parenting is like being a juggler except all the balls are screaming.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 11, 2015
Too real. Too true.
That awful moment when your kid asks to watch “Anal-stasia” and you’re not sure if it’s a cute mistake or if she saw your browser history.
— Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) January 20, 2016
Be right back, time to delete browser history!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
— Meh, He Said (@TheAlexNevil) January 5, 2016
There comes a point in every parents life when, “HEY KID!” is just the best we can do.
Movie tickets: $37
Listening to two five year olds bitch to go home for half the movie: priceless
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) January 17, 2015
In their defense, it wasn’t a great movie.
I cut the crust off my daughter’s PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I’m her bitch now.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 29, 2015
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) December 1, 2015
Every grandparent’s trademark.
[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the oven?
Me: I’m up.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 21, 2015
No need for an alarm clock with that horrifying whisper in our ear.
“AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT CLEANING THESE LEGOS UP…!”
Me, as I’m cleaning the Legos up.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 17, 2015
Story of a parent’s life.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
— Meh, He Said (@TheAlexNevil) November 17, 2015
Parents should honestly win Oscars for how good of actors we are.
Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) November 14, 2015
*Cringes and clenches jaw*
I guess sending school paperwork back with wine stains may not send the right message.
Then again it may send EXACTLY the right message.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) September 7, 2015
*Sends winky face emoji*
This margarita tastes like I don’t even have kids.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 1, 2014
AMEN SISTER. LIVE YOUR BEST AND TRUEST LIFE.
Preschool birthday party rules:
Year 1: We go to everything
Year 2: We only go to parties that had beer in year 1.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) February 22, 2014
This is a birthday plan we can adhere to.
My kids wanted to know what it was like to be a mom so I refused to eat dinner and only begged for dessert.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 28, 2016
They were not nearly as amused as we were.
My toddler demanded an egg white omelette with kale and spinach for breakfast, so she’s now looking for a new family.
— Anna Lane (@theannalane) January 29, 2016
When our kids have better tastes than us….woof, right?!
There are times that I really enjoy being a parent. Primarily when my children are asleep.
— Anna Lane (@theannalane) January 29, 2016
*PRAISE HANDS EMOJI*
Judging by the screams coming from my 5yo’s bedroom, it’s gonna be a bourbon kind of night.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 27, 2016
Time to bring out the good stuff.
Sometimes I think letting my kids stay home from school sounds like a good idea.
Then I remember they all know how to talk.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 27, 2016
Oh how we long for the days of our kids being tiny little creatures that still didn’t know how to use their words properly!
My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there’s really no need for a DNA test.
— EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) January 26, 2016
Accurate. So, so accurate.