Tomorrow, someone will ask me about the recent trip I took to visit my sister and her six-month-old twin boys in Houston, and I will say, “Oh my god, what a nightmare,” and I will proceed to explain in excruciating and somewhat exaggerated detail how I was forced to check my carry-on bag on the first leg of the flight, thus losing critical access to a sweater and a pair of old sneakers, (albeit briefly) and how the airline then lost my luggage (also briefly) upon arrival. I’ll lament how I was without my toiletry bag for most of the evening and compelled to use my sister’s face wash, which upon inspection, contained ingredients that may or may not have had the potential to irritate my skin. READ MORE
My daughter can’t quit you and that’s a big problem for me. You see, ever since you came out, all she wants to do is dress up in princess attire, watch your movie, and talk about Elsa and Anna. My sister even bought her this Anna doll that is motion activated. It comes on whenever anyone is within 96 miles. Our cats set it off nightly and not even locking it inside a trunk is enough to keep it quiet. It’s like a less psychotic but somehow more annoying version of Chucky. On a completely related note, my sister and I are now estranged. READ MORE
I’ve hated my boobs since 5th grade, when they made a most unwelcome appearance. Backyard football with the boys became awkward. So did locker room changes. As they became a focal point of my high school figure, I despised them even more. My back hurt when I ran. Forget horsing around in a bathing suit. Rude and humiliating jokes from teenage boys.
Hated. Them. READ MORE
Listen. If you’re going to comment on a pregnant woman’s amplitude, at least think of something more creative than the standard ‘Are you sure you’re not having twins?!’ gag.
First off, that ‘joke’ isn’t funny, but she’ll feel as though she has to laugh because she probably likes you. This burst of fake laughter could cause her to pee her pants. Her favourite pants…her only pants that still fit her. And she’ll hate you for it…for a long time…because you forced her to laugh at your banal one-liner. READ MORE