She said, “You are a failure.”
And I think – why would you say that to me? I am a mom who is an executive producer on tv shows, owns my own home, takes care of my family and in my spare time has taken to doing marathons and triathlons.
But she continued, “You are overweight which makes you a bad example for your child. You never stick to a diet. You never stick to your workout routine. You lack consistency in anything you do. If you just used a little willpower, you’d actually succeed.”
I think but don’t say: Sure I could lose 20 pounds, but I think I look okay. And I wish I could stick to one of those diets, but I get angry and cranky. So I let myself cheat a little to make it through everything. And the lack of consistency matches the lack of consistency in my life. I have a long commute to a job with crazy hours and there’s no constant. I’m doing the best that I can.
“All you need to do is try harder. If you really put your mind to it…”
This is Anti-Bullying Month. It’s an interesting concept. Because I need to learn to stand up to her. I need to find a way to say: it’s not ok to invalidate me. I work very hard to succeed at all that I do and I do a damn good job. So you and your high horse can go take a flying leap because I feel good about myself and you aren’t going to take that away from me.
But I can’t stop her. She keeps picking on me, despite my pleading.
Because my Bully is me.
In my life, there has never been anyone harder on me than me. The dark voices that tell me that I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, that I don’t try hard enough, I’m not attractive, I’m not funny enough, interesting enough, smart enough, nice enough, I don’t do all I can do for myself and others….
My Bully is driving me insane.
I’m 44 years old. It’s time for the Bully inside to go away. It’s time for me to look at all I’ve accomplished and embrace it. To decide once and for all – what’s truly important and let the rest go. It’s time for me to cherish what makes me tick – to embrace my odd habits and accept that as me. Or to change them. But to commit one way or the other.
It’s time to say – this is my life. It’s the only one I’m given, like it or not. So I need to choose how I live each and every day. No more bullying. From now on, I will look at myself and say “Love it or change it.” No beating myself up over anything. I need to love myself, for all that I’m about.
Wish me luck. Screw that. Only I can do that for me. Thanks though.