Sex, Interrupted

Parents who have sex fall into two categories:

• Those who have sex only when children are sound asleep.
• Those who don’t wait for sleeping children and will relate to the following words.

If you have seen the movie “This Is 40”, you will remember the scene when Debbie (Leslie Mann) is attempting to give Pete (Paul Rudd) a blow job. Everything is going blowingly until suddenly there is banging on the door. Their daughters are fighting. Pete is yelling mom is busy while simultaneously begging Debbie to not stop. The girls are screaming through the door. Pete is yelling back. Eventually, Debbie stops, pops up and joins in the screaming match. The BJ is abruptly over and the entire household is pissed off at one another.

Sound eerily familiar?

Of course it does.

Kids, I have determined, are machines; hard-wired with alarms that sound whenever they subconsciously sense Mommy and Daddy are trying to get it on in some way, shape or form. Machines SO POWERFUL, making out with a boy in your bedroom without your parents catching you now seems like a slow stroll through a flowery meadow.

No matter how many times you reiterate Mommy and Daddy need to “talk” and will be out in a few minutes, you’re lucky if two minutes goes by before someone is knocking/pounding/banging/trying to pick the lock to the bedroom door. Because a closed and locked master bedroom door instantaneously signals I need something in a child’s brain. And every time you (sometimes a little too ticked off) open the bedroom door, it is for the most ridiculous but oh so dire reason- “Mommy…I forgot what color eyes you have.”

After watching “This Is 40” (for like the 40th time), relating to almost every single word spoken- especially the BJ scene- I began thinking about all the interruptions we parents deal with (become accustomed to?) when trying to sneak in a quickie…blow job…five minutes of adult only time. I’ve narrowed down the orgasm reducing interruptions into the top five questions regularly asked of me when I finally hit the sexy time pause button and peevishly open the bedroom door. I’ve also thrown in my usual, makes no sense responses for good measure too…

• Why is your hair all messy?
Oh! Funny you are asking that…See Daddy was trying to be nice and tried putting my hair into a ponytail. He couldn’t do it and now look at my hair…It’s crazy! Now. Let me fix up my hair and I will be right out. (Author’s Note: this response is a bad one. Saying you will fix your hair and be right out is green light for little girls who respond by offering their hair dressing skills to help fix the mess. Chance of having sex after using this response-zilch, zero, hope you enjoy the tingling of frustration.)

• Why are your sheets and pillows all over the floor?
See…Mommy was trying to take the sheets off so they could be washed and then Daddy thought it would be funny to throw the pillows everywhere. He’s such a jokester, isn’t he?!

• What was that noise I heard in here? (Heard only because someone was obviously standing mere centimeters from the door.)
That noise…(quick glance over at your blankly staring partner)…was me. Daddy thought he would be silly and pretended to be the tickle monster. You know how ticklish Mommy is. Tickle me in the right spot and I can make silly noises. (Glance back over at partner-who is still blankly staring only now with a grin-and give the “thanks for helping me here” stare.)

• If you are talking how come you are only wearing your shirt?! And it’s on wrong Mom!
We are talking. Mommy spilt her coffee of her clothes. My shirt is on backwards because I wasn’t paying attention when I put it back on. Thank goodness you are such a fashionista and noticed for me. Imagine if I went grocery shopping like this?! Now, give me a minute and let me get some new pants on.

• Can you get me (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, dessert)? I’m hungry.
(This question makes my blood freaking boil.) Here’s the thing lovely hard-wired child(ren) of mine. Every single one of you is old enough to get yourselves something to eat. Bowls, cups, spoons, forks and butter knives are accessible by all. Cereal, bread, snacks, and ALL OF THE FOOD IN OUR HOUSE THAT YOU WILL EAT is within arms reach of the smallest child in this house. Each one of you has been properly trained in the using of above mentioned utensils. Each of you are properly trained as to how to make a sandwich, get a bowl of cereal, rinse off fruit and/open a package of snacked sized package goldfish. Mommy and Daddy are TALKING. It is EXTREMELY important that we finish our conversation. Get your (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, dessert) and give us FIVE MINUTES!

Now I want to know. What are some orgasm reducing interruptions that occur once you open your bedroom door and look down at your hard-wired yet so cute, FBI rivaling, interrogator?

Photo courtesy of tvone.tv.

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