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I’ve had my share of sextastrophes in my time, some funny, some cringeworthy… some before my husband.
Whipped cream can be pretty damn awesome but if you wait too long, it can be a sextastrophe. During one encounter, it was fun and delicious. Then, about an hour later, it turned sour and the stench was so incredibly nasty.
He was still into it and it was all I could do to keep from gagging. Thankfully, shower sex took care of the problem.
You’re not really sure what to expect the first time the clothes come off. Sure, a penis comes in all shapes and sizes but the crooked ones are tricky. This guy I was seeing when I was younger had such a crooked penis, it could practically be a boomerang.
I’ll never forget standing there and looking at it, thinking how the hell is THAT supposed to work. It didn’t and was the most awkward sex I ever had. Never saw the guy again.
Then, there are those times when something happens that’s absolutely hysterical. My husband and I were being really passionate and everything was in sync. I felt our cat jump on the bed and rub up against my foot. Soon after, my husband had a weird look on his face.
He asked me what I was doing with my hands and I said nothing. That’s when we discovered our cat was licking his ass crack. Well, better her than me. I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in my life.
The one thing I could do without is the accidental ass poke. After all the years that my husband and I have been together, I still get that surprise every now and then.
In my head:
WHOA HO HO HO HO. Wrong hole!! How does he still do that after all of this time?
I’ve had a baby and my vagina is kind of like this big hole now. But he still misses and tries to put it in my ass?
Oh my god… maybe he wants to put it in my ass. Why didn’t he mention this beforehand???
Oh wait… nope… he finally got it right.
Originally posted at Elle’s blog. Photo courtesy of