I’ve had my share of sextastrophes in my time, some funny, some cringeworthy… some before my husband.

Whipped cream can be pretty damn awesome but if you wait too long, it can be a sextastrophe. During one encounter, it was fun and delicious. Then, about an hour later, it turned sour and the stench was so incredibly nasty.

He was still into it and it was all I could do to keep from gagging. Thankfully, shower sex took care of the problem.

You’re not really sure what to expect the first time the clothes come off. Sure, a penis comes in all shapes and sizes but the crooked ones are tricky. This guy I was seeing when I was younger had such a crooked penis, it could practically be a boomerang.

I’ll never forget standing there and looking at it, thinking how the hell is THAT supposed to work. It didn’t and was the most awkward sex I ever had. Never saw the guy again.

Then, there are those times when something happens that’s absolutely hysterical. My husband and I were being really passionate and everything was in sync. I felt our cat jump on the bed and rub up against my foot. Soon after, my husband had a weird look on his face.

He asked me what I was doing with my hands and I said nothing. That’s when we discovered our cat was licking his ass crack. Well, better her than me. I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in my life.

The one thing I could do without is the accidental ass poke. After all the years that my husband and I have been together, I still get that surprise every now and then.

BUTT POKE!

In my head:

WHOA HO HO HO HO. Wrong hole!! How does he still do that after all of this time?

I’ve had a baby and my vagina is kind of like this big hole now. But he still misses and tries to put it in my ass?

Oh my god… maybe he wants to put it in my ass. Why didn’t he mention this beforehand???

Oh wait… nope… he finally got it right.

Sextasrophe diverted.

Originally posted at Elle’s blog. Photo courtesy of  

Whether you are a man or a woman, there are times in our lives where we feel less capable of pleasing others than before. We have lost our knack for it, our desire. By contrast the older we get, the more we know ourselves and grow in our capacity to reveal our powerful seductive power! That thing we have inside us that makes up our beauty and our charm – it is not always easy to identify. However, as soon as you know how to bring to the surface the traits that make you unique, revealing your seductive power is easy!

1. Impress – while remaining yourself

We’re not saying seduction isn’t tricky, no matter what age you are! To seduce is to liberate all your rough edges that let the other click with our personality.

In love, you cannot seduce the other in any kind of enduring way if you do not offer the other the essence of yourself. That is, if you do not liberate yourself and all that makes you unique, special, charming… You can read about this in more detail in my article on the basics of seduction.

We fail to succeed in seduction when we do not know ourselves, when we do not embrace certain traits we have and we present only certain aspects of ourselves, when we want to control the seductive process… The results? Instead of loving the other and letting them see who we really are, we show them one page – even if it is a perfect page –that doesn’t trigger any emotion in them. Falling in love is to be moved by a personality, because it brings out something authentic about a person.

The older we get, the more we tend to want to present ourselves in what we think is our best light. However, to release our inner seductive self, we should be doing the opposite!

2. What must I liberate for him to love me as I am?

Sure we all know more or less how to create attraction, but if we don’t find love, it’s because there’s something we don’t understand: we have to give the other footholds so that they can love us long term!

Put all your charm on show. It hides as well in your imperfections, your contradictions, in your doubts… so don’t lose time putting together a persona that is only 50% you when it’s the other 50% that make you special and touch the other in the deepest part of himself!

3. Seduction and Age Differences

Women between 18 and 30 years old have the upper hand because men feel less mature and less knowledgeable of ways to seduce than they do.

Women realize little by little that they are goddesses of seduction until 30/35 years of age. From 35 onwards, the first signs of the onset of the aging process appear and, along with them comes the impression that the woman cannot please in the same way she might have done before. Meanwhile, men are finally gaining their full seductive power as they grow in self confidence.

At around 45 or 50, women start to experience a renewal both in their confidence and in their seductive power because they are aware of their charm and have left their midlife crises behind them. They are also more at ease with their sex appeal and opening themselves to another without disguising themselves. They are no longer slaves to the beauty dictums because they understand, thanks to their experience, that seduction is above all a case of revealing your true self and not putting up a show. They therefore can play a deeper game of seduction.

Seduction, then, is all about the seductive being. This means being in a positive state of mind that shows us as nice and attractive. In sum, it is a message of well-being addressed to the world where you reveal all the things that make you unique!

Photo courtesy of blogspot.

It’s no secret that I have three daughters. And now that they’re getting older, their maintenance is changing quite a bit. My role as a mom is changing quite a bit, too. Ever since the oldest one popped out and all the way thru til the youngest one did, I have heard the “advice”. And just like the advice that I got when I was pregnant, I have to weed through the good stuff and the crap.

But the one thing that we hear at least once a week if not more is “Steve better get himself a shotgun for when the boys start calling”.  Well, the boys have started calling and we still don’t have a shotgun and we have yet to run down to the local bait and ammo store to consider buying one.

And you know what? I don’t think that statement is fair to my girls or to the boys that are coming around calling on them.

I want my girls to date.

I want them to have rich, rewarding relationships with a person who treats them well. I don’t care if that person is male or female, black or white.

I want them to be happy. I want them to experience all the giddiness of that first date. The anticipation of someone who you like calling you and making your day. How breathless the right person can make you feel. I want them to drift off into space and daydream about someone and wonder if they’re doing the same thing.

I want them to obsess for HOURS over the right outfit to wear when they go out with that person for the first time. Or the tenth time. I want them to get ticked at me because I won’t take them to the mall this very second when they realize that they don’t have the perfect outfit.

I want them to fall in love and when the time is right –

I want them to have sex.

Because every bit of that feels good. It feels awesome. There is no greater feeling in the world than being in love. Nothing feels better than being adored and worshiped by someone who thinks you are the greatest thing since the internet. The secret glances, the inside jokes, the subtle touch.

Instead of teaching our kids not to have sex, isn’t it time we taught them to have RESPONSIBLE SEX? That when they’re old enough and the time is right and they’re with the right person and the proper protection is in place, that it’s okay. That it’s nothing to be ashamed of. For a society that it so technologically advanced, we are still so broken when it comes to this.

“But they should wait until they’re married” some of you will say. Maybe they should but that’s not up to you or me or society to dictate. Is sex when you’re married good? Yes but be honest – it’s nowhere near as exciting as the sex you had when you had ZERO responsibilities. I love my husband and we have a good, healthy sex life but I guarantee you, we had a whole lot more time for great sex before our kids came along.

So lets stop shaming our young adults for thinking about or having sex and instead start educating them on how to have safe and mutually respected sex.

It’s time to teach our teen daughters that they OWN it. They are in control of who they choose to get physical with. That there should NEVER be a time where it is taken from them and that just as awesome as good sex feels, sex should never happen when it’s not supposed to.

We also need to teach both our daughters and our sons that talking about their sex lives to others (ala bragging) is dangerous territory especially in this age of social media and smartphones. But if you’re having sex with the right person, that is usually not an issue because before sex happens, there should always be respect and 2 people who respect each other most likely wouldn’t think that talking about their intimate lives is acceptable.

There are a lot of moving parts to sex and relationships that it our responsibility, as parents, to educate our teens on. As I’ve told my oldest (and eventually them all).. I would rather you ask me and be embarrassed than not ask me and get your information from some socially inept teenager who has no clue. Because as my friend Steffany says… there are a lot of worse things out there than teenage pregnancy.

What are you telling your teens about sex?

Originally posted at Kristen’s blog, Four Hens and a Rooster. Photo courtesy of Salon.com

Recovering post-delivery is tough for us moms. It takes time to jump back in to that place called “The Bedroom,” ready for action. After all, your body has become an out of control milk-producing machine, you have 10 (or more) extra pounds on your frame, and you’re an exhausted mom to a newborn. Who wants to get sexy?

But my friends and I are 2 years, or more, postpartum, and can I say it has gotten easier?

Not really.

Sure, as time has moved on we’ve shed our postpartum weight and our children now sleep through the night. So days of raging romps in the bed, harkening back to our honeymoon highlights, should be ours for the taking, right?

Nope. For, mamas, we are still exhausted, our bodies still don’t feel like ours, and lazy Saturday mornings once reserved for snuggling with our sweethearts are now the property of 7 am cartoons and Cheerios.

But I am here to tell tired moms everywhere that we CAN get our groove back.

Here are 7 tips to help us moms get back in the bedroom:

1. Take time to take care.
I know that taking the time to get a haircut, schedule an eyebrow wax, or sit for a pedicure can be hard to find. Hell, sometimes finding time to SHOWER can be hard to find. But find it. Nothing will kill your mood faster than realizing you haven’t shaved in 3 days or feeling a stray chin hair in the dark. Sure, your partner might not notice these things, but you have to feel sexy to be sexy. So take time to tend to yourself.

2. Get good underwear.
I mean, if you want to parade around the house in the best lingerie that is great. I am sure your partner will appreciate it just as much as you (see that “feeling sexy to be sexy” point again). But even if garters aren’t in your closet at least throw out the maternity panties.

3. Turn on some mood music.
Drown out all house noises when it is time. You might argue that music is distracting. But if you don’t select some soothing background sounds your finely honed motherly instincts will believe that every single noise you hear is your child. Who can focus then?

4. Make time for it.
If a Google calendar block is what it takes, do it. Don’t let your bedroom activities get crowded out by everything else busy parents need to do. Make this a priority and make time for it. Date nights and weekends away help, if you can arrange them.

5. Be creative.
And I don’t mean that way…Be creative with finding time. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Get going when time surprisingly presents itself. Do your kids still nap? Bingo! Do both of you need to shower? Fantastic! Don’t be shy and think outside the pre-bed nighttime box.

6. Love yourself.
As women and moms we are incredibly hard on our bodies, striving for some unachievable body. You have to love yourself, embrace your body, and thank your body for the fact that it produced life. Don’t see your body as a bunch of negatives; look at the beautiful piece of miracle that is everything about you. Then give it to your partner as a gift.

7. Love your partner.
It takes two to tango. You have to love your partner. Quit looking past your partner to see only your child. Start to notice times when you and your mate are relaxed together, when your partner surprises and amazes you. Whenever you feel that appreciation of and love for your partner, grab it, and run with it (straight to the bedroom).
Moms, these 7 little tips may seem overwhelming but I think we can do them. I think if we take it one step at a time, making time to love ourselves, we can get our groove back.

Oh. Wait, one last thing:
Wine. Lots of wine.

Have a happy week of love.

 

A few months back our weed whacker died. I was sad. Having a lawn in South Florida means you need to have a fully functioning weed whacker at all times. Being completely lazy and not buying a new one over these past few months has turned me into an on edge, panicky woman who cares way too much about how her neighbors feel about her un-weed whacked lawn.

Last weekend, the lawn mower decided its time here in suburbia was over and went off to wherever it is dead lawn equipment go.

An ultimatum was given to The Big Guy- buy a new lawn mower and weed whacker or I would pay to have someone cut the lawn. I added in a stellar blow-job for good measure. (According to The Big Guy, BJs are a cure all for all of my ailments so I assumed a BJ would be the cure all for getting our damn lawn back up to suburbia standards.) Blow-jobs really do have a lot of clout. The next morning I was handed names and model numbers of the weed whacker and lawn mower The Big Guy wanted me to go purchase.

I was excited our lawn would no longer look like an un-weed whacked house in the suburbs that was being gossiped about by not so wonderful neighbors. I was not excited about going to Home Depot. I hate the store. You know why I hate it? Because I am a female. And, I swear an alarm goes off when a somewhat attractive woman walks through the doors. I never have a problem finding anyone to help me at Home Depot. It’s kind of annoying.

I walked in the store and beelined for the first orange apron wearing associate I could find. The nice gentleman told me where the lawn equipment was and I set off toward the aisle of suburban savior.

The weed whacker was already in the cart when the same nice gentleman came strolling into the aisle. He explained how to correctly use the weed whacker, mistakenly thinking I will be the person operating the thing. I politely nodded and acted as though I was listening.

Next up was finding the lawn mower. Nice Home Depot gentleman led me right to it. Now mistakenly thinking I would be the operator of the lawn mower, he began to go over the correct usage and blah blah blah, I don’t remember what he was saying, crap. I kept smiling, all the time thinking about my decision to use a BJ as a bargaining chip. I could have hired someone to do the lawn and this Home Depot trip could have been avoided.

I was jolted out of my deep thoughts when I noticed the nice gentleman was now on the floor, in the middle of the aisle, my lawn mower being taken out of its box. Apparently, nice gentleman decided to continue his niceness by putting the lawn mower together for me because, according to him, the wheels are a real bitch to put on this model.

The Big Guy was instantly texted: At Home Depot. Apparently the wheels on this lawn mower are a real bitch to get on so this is now occurring in the middle of aisle 4…

Felicity Huffman's What The Flicka? - What Happens When A Girl Walks Into Home Depot
(Sorry for the quality. Sneaking pics is hard.)

His response? HAHA. Why do you think I sent you to buy the equipment for me? Those wheels are as much of a bitch to get on as it is for me to get turned on by you. Thanks for being hot babe. Now I don’t have to put the thing together.

Lawn mower was finally assembled…after an hour. The wheels didn’t seem to be a bitch to get on. Putting the wheels on before screwing the handle on seemed to be the extent of the assembly problems…which was caused by the nice gentleman because (shockingly) he didn’t follow the directions.

Later that night, after the lawn was mowed and the yard weed whacked, I informed The Big Guy that he owed me for the ridiculousness that had occurred in aisle 4 of Home Depot earlier that day. And seriously, it turned into a ridiculous scene of three associates gathered around, me standing there waiting for a lawn mower to be put together, and a customer commenting they didn’t know Home Depot did that for their customers. (Sorry fellow customer, not all lawn mowers get put together for you. Just the ones that have wheels that are a real bitch to get on. But you’re a dude. You are not getting anything assembled for you in the middle of aisle 4.)

The Big Guy repaid his debt in the form of a stellar orgasm…and informed me I was now the official Home Depot errand runner. I agreed…after ensuring payment would continue to be in the form of stellar-worthy orgasms.

Being the Home Depot errand runner will never be my favorite job…but who could turn down the pay? Not this gal.