An Open Letter To My Boobs

Dear Boobs,

I just wanted to write and say thank you … and sorry.

I’m sorry for all you’ve been through over the past five years what with all the pregnancies and nursing for months on end. I’m sorry you’ve been forced to bounce around 5 sizes up and down like a yo-yo. I’m sorry for all of the tenderness, the cracked nipples (why couldn’t that kid get his latch right?!), the mastitis, the clogged ducts, the thrush, the chemical burn (that was totally my bad! I had no idea putting straight grapefruit seed extract on nipples would cause 2nd degree burns). I’m sorry for the time my baby intentionally bit you and drew blood. I’m sorry for the time he twisted your nipple so hard it turned purple for days. I’m sorry for flashing you to the general public on a regular basis. I know you’re shy by nature, but I just couldn’t get that stupid Hooter Hider to work. And most of all, I’m sorry that you went from being two boyant, glorious orbs to the deflated, sad rock-stuffed saggy boobs you are today.

You’ve been such troopers. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy. I see you staring at the ground, demoralized and it breaks my heart (not to mention my back).

So please. Forgive me. I’ll buy you fancy bras and I promise I won’t ever let another infant use you as a chew toy.


P.S. I do have one last favor to ask you. I know you’ve been through a lot, but could I talk you into a boob job?

Originally posted at Deva’s blog. Photo courtesy of