Mommy Brain: Symptoms And Diagnosis

Do you often forget simple words and phrases?

Do you find yourself walking into a room only to forget what you originally wanted?

Do you frequently lose your train of thought mid-sentence?

Have you started to stutter, especially in the company of other adults?

Do you find yourself tripping over the simplest Dr. Suess pages, especially at nighttime?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you might be suffering from a condition known as Mommy Brain.

What is it?

Mommy Brain is a common psychological and physiological condition that predominantly affects women of childbearing age who have children ages 0-5 in the house. Mommy Brain is positively correlated to the number of offspring; the more children under the age of 5 in the house, the more severe the Mommy Brain will be.

Preventative Care:

Don’t have children.

How is Mommy Brain Treated?

If it’s too late for preventative care, there are steps you can take to alleviate– but not completely cure– the most troubling symptoms of Mommy Brain.

1. Drink plenty of coffee. This is as necessary as water in temporarily suppressing the symptoms of Mommy Brain. Recommended intake: 2-5 cups daily.

2. Consider at least occasionally sleeping in the basement, or as far from your children as possible, in order to reach that elusive REM sleep you keep reading about.

3. Whenever possible, roll down the windows of your minivan to allow fresh oxygen to reach the foggy recesses of your brain.

4. Do not read more than 2 storybooks per night to your children or you will likely struggle and slur over the words.

5. Indulge in the occasional Girl’s Night Out, where you can talk with other grown-ups without constantly pausing to change diapers, clean up spilled juice, or turn on an episode of Dora [Note: Slurring can occur here too, for different reasons.]

*See Related Conditions: Pregnancy Brain, Newborn Amnesia, Starting-to-Sound-Like-My-Mother Syndrome

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