Generally, I am not one to tell people how to live their lives. But if you’re a parent—for your own good—take my advice on these things you should really never do.

1. Take a good, close look at your walls. 

They will make you want to cry and then hose down your house with disinfectant.

2. Swear. 

Even if your kid still pronounces “banana” as “babana,” as soon as you drop a profanity word —just once—the little tyke will say it perfectly and repeatedly. In the most horrifying of places, of course. The doctor’s office or your grandmother’s house.

3. Assume that “the toddler who never gets into things” – won’t get into things. 

Our toddler was not the type of kid who would take my $900 camera off its hook, unearth it from its protective bag, and smear liquid hand soap all over it. But, oh yes he did.

4. Mistake silence for peace. 

Silence with kids in the house usually means one of three things:

1) They’re doing something they shouldn’t be.

2) They’ve exited the premises without you realizing it.

3) They’ve simultaneously knocked each other unconscious.

5. Reach out your hand when a 3-year-old says, “Here” 

Without looking to see what she’s giving you. I’ve been handed many boogers that way.

6. Stick your finger down the back of a diaper to see if it’s wet.

This one seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised.

7. Give a toddler an Oreo.

The combination of toddlers and Oreos creates a chemical reaction that makes matter multiply and spread like a virus. I’m still finding Oreo smears from the time I gave one to our daughter when she was three. She’s now eight.

8. Lean over a crouching child and startle them. 

A child’s head is a concrete wrecking ball and your nose is their bulls-eye. I’m surprised more parents aren’t killed by having their noses crushed into their brains by little kids’ heads. It hurts badly.

9. Tell a kid that the plugged toilet will overflow if they keep flushing it.

Without also explaining that that would be a bad thing. There’s nothing as exciting to a 4-year-old boy as an overflowing toilet.

10. Blink.

You’ll miss something. It might be something adorable, it might be something abominable, but either way, it’ll be something you didn’t want to miss.

This article was originally featured on Annie’s blog, Motherhood & More. Featured image via.

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We’ve all had dreams of the perfect Mother’s Day.

Picture it: you wake up to breakfast in bread, complete with fresh flowers and good coffee. None of that instant shit – the real stuff that makes you feel like you’re on vacation somewhere exotic. Your partner has decided to take the kids for the entire day, dropping you off at the spa. Did we mention calories don’t exist on Mother’s Day? After you’re pampered, you indulge in every fried, fatty food your heart so desires! You end the night with a bottle of your favorite Shiraz and reruns of Sex and the City.

OH, IF ONLY.

Obviously Mother’s Day is special no matter what, but let’s be honest: that ain’t nobody’s reality. Here’s what Mother’s Day looks like in your head vs. Mother’s Day in reality.

In your head:

You wake up feeling like a queen.

Felicity Hufman's What the Flicka-Mother's Day

In reality:

You wake up with loud noises aka your children jumping on your bed.

Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Mother's Day

In your head:

This is the coffee your family already has poured for you.

In reality:

The coffee you actually have.

Oh whatever, coffee is coffee.

In your head:

This is the breakfast you’re served (in bed, we should mention).

In reality:

They tried their best?

In your head:

Your kids get along with each other ALL DAY.

In reality:

Yep, accurate.

In your head:

You spend the day relaxing and pampering yourself.

In reality:

As a mom, this is just our default feeling.

In your head:

This is your partner for the day.

A clean house?! DREAMS!

In reality:

How your family really cleans.

In your head:

You share tender moments with your kids.

In reality:

Okay, okay. This actually happens. And yanno what? Your real Mother’s Day isn’t so bad after all.

(Would still like the clean house though).

Featured image via. GIFs via 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13

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How is it already almost Mother’s Day?!

If you need a moment to freak out over how quickly time flies by, go ahead.

….

….

Feel better? GREAT. Now that we’ve all collectively had a meltdown over the fact that life goes by in the blink of an eye, we can talk about Mother’s Day, which is just around the corner. While the day means different things for everyone, we can all agree on one thing: funny cards are GREAT.

Here are 6 hilarious Mother’s Day cards that would make great gifts for any moms in your life, or for yourself! (Just forward this link to your partner/kids and send them a wink emoji in hopes that they’ll get the idea).

1. “You taught me how to bake, I taught you how to text.”

Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Text Card

BUY HERE.

A very accurate description of both the relationship we have with our own moms, and how our kids probably view us.

2. “It’s not easy being a mom. If it were, dad would do it.”

Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Funny Mother's Day Cards

BUY HERE.

We believe the proper word to use hear is, “AMEN.”

3. Mom Definition

Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Mom Definition

BUY HERE.

#2 especially. Can we have #2 tattooed on the inside of our kids’ eyelids? That’s not too intense, right?

4. Mom Jeans 

Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Mom Jeans

BUY HERE.

If this is true we’d better start embracing the height of our mom jeans.

5. Mom Was Right About Everything

Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Mother's Day Card

BUY HERE.

It’s something even moms don’t want to admit about their moms, but if we’re being honest it’s very accurate.

6. Sometimes a mom just needs a break.

Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Mother's day Cards

BUY HERE. 

Us, always, forever.

Featured image via.

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Shopping with your kids can be quite the experience. 

If the thought of lugging your children through Target or Costco sends terrified shivers down your spine, just know you aren’t alone! We totally feel you and can totally relate. Here are 10 GIFs that all moms who have shopped with their kids can relate to.

1. When your kid asks if they can have every toy you pass.

HA, what dream world is this kid living in?

2. When your kid says they want to go home five seconds into shopping.

What a fool!

3. When your kid asks to use the bathroom right as you’re about to check out.

Hold it or lose it, kid.

4. When the tantrums begin in the middle of a crowded aisle.

GOD HELP US.

5. When the cashier says “I can help you over here” and gets you out of a crowded line with your screaming babies.

Praise you, kind cashier person.

6. When your has the nastiest poopy diaper of their life in the candle section of Target.

 

The desecration of the most holy of aisles! The injustice of it all!

7. When the kids knock over an entire ceramic display case at Crate & Barrel.

It just isn’t right.

8. When Starbucks is closed so you have to shop at the mall sans-caffeine.

There is nothing worse than trying to shop with a herd of bratty kids in tow without the sweet elixir of coffee.

9. When the person in front of you changes their mind on paying cash midway through check-out.

REALLY? WHY NOW?

10. When you realize on your way home you forgot two of your bags in the store, and have to turn the caravan around.

Godspeed.

GIFS via 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10. Featured image via

The unfiltered brain of a child knows no bounds.

Even though most of the time we probably shouldn’t laugh, we can’t help but be amused at the bizarre and hilarious things our kids say.

If you aren’t familiar with “Sh*t My Six (Now Seven) Year Old Says” allow us to introduce you. Here’s the best of hilarious Eden’s quotes. If you can make it through this list without unattractively snort-laughing, we applaud you!

On when people just don’t know when to stop talking:

Eden to her sister: “I wish you’d stop talking. I wish I could throw your mouth in the garbage.”

On making references far beyond her age:

Me: Here’s your lunch… what do you say?

Eden: Thank you. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.

Hey, she’s just being honest:

Me: “Eden, who do you love?”

Eden: “I like you, and grandma and papa. But I LOVE me. I’m going to buy me a present.”

You’ve got to appreciate the truth:

Eden: Even when you’re dirty and ugly you’re still the most beautiful mama.

Me: I just showered.

Eden: I know. I was just saying, that’s all.

We can’t handle her hilarious observations:

“I’m glad I’m not you. No offense but your life looks terrible.”

On dance moves we’d all love to learn:

“This is my new move. It’s called ‘Deal With It”.

An honest review of a teacher:

Eden: We had a substitute today. She was REALLY old but she didn’t die or anything.

A girl after our own hearts!

Me: Pack a snack for the car ride.

Eden: I did. It’s bacon.

Felicity Huffman's What The Flicka-Best Sh-t Eden Says 2

Same girl, same.

Eden: My dream house has 43 hot tubs in it.

On equality:

Eden: They’re both girls. They’re married. Don’t make it weird.

Eden is all of us at the end of the day:

Eden: I’m SO hungry. All I had for dinner was steak, noodles and a salad. I didn’t even have dessert. I’m upset about it. Sometimes at night I dream about dessert.

Eden, you’re a true gem and we’re obsessed with you.

Eden: (pointing to the sky) I think giants live up there.

Me: I thought God lived up there.

Eden: God’s zilla lives up there. It’s God’s pet. You know what I’m saying?

Me: You’re saying God has a pet named Zilla.

Eden: Uh huh.

Read parts 1, 2, 3, and 4!

Believe it or not, there are some people out there who think motherhood is a piece of cake. We’re cackling at the naivety of such a statement! If there’s anything motherhood isn’t, it’s easy. Being a mom is one of the most complicated roles a woman will ever have, so we’ve compiled a list of 10 facial expressions that describe exactly what it’s like to be a mom.

1. The “You Did Not Just Say That” Face

When your kid talks back to you and refuses to clean up their room.

2. The “Cashier Just Said My Kids Are Adorable Even Though They’re Misbehaving And Fighting With Each Other” Face

Yeah, they’re cute if they aren’t your kids!

3. The “It’s My Only Day To Sleep In And My Kids Wake Up At The Crack Of Dawn” Face

It’s like kids have an internal clock that is timed perfectly to wake us up when we’re trying to snooze.

4. The “My Kid Just Did A Total Face Plant And I Shouldn’t Laugh But It Was Actually Pretty Funny” Face

Obviously our main concern is that they aren’t hurt…but come on – it was pretty hilarious.

5. The “My Kidless Friends Are All Out Partying And I’m Cleaning A Poopy Diaper” Face

Here’s a pro tip: avoid social media in times of dealing with the woes of parenting. Seeing pictures of your friends taking shots or traveling to exotic places is probably just going to piss you off.

6. The “I Just Cleaned The Entire Kitchen And My Kid Just Spilled Cereal Everywhere” Face

Must…resist…turning…into…The Hulk…

7. The “My Partner Just Said They Needed A Night Off From The Kids” Face

We believe the phrase here is, “Absolutely not.”

8. The “How Did All Of That Come Out Of Such A Little Person?” Face

Horror movies couldn’t recreate what we witness daily.

9. The “Movie Is Sold Out But This Is Our One Date Night Without Kids So They Better Make Room In There Or Else” Face

You never want to mess with a woman and her one precious night off.

10. The “It’s Morning How Is It Already Morning Can I Go Back To Sleep” Face

The only proof of miracles there ever needs to be is a mom getting out of bed in the morning.

GIFS via 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10 Featured image via