When you’re expecting your first child there are a few things every parenting book and magazine tells you. Good things like how much joy you’ll feel when you first see her precious face and not so good things like how you won’t sleep for months. There are other parenting truths however that are so terrifying that popular parenting books don’t dare mention them for fear that every reasonable adult on earth would immediately line up for voluntary sterilization if they knew and quickly cause the extinction of the human race.

These are truths you’ll only hear about from your closest friends, like how breastfeeding will not only make your boobs sag but get smaller at the same time, and how there’s a good chance you’ll poop on the delivery table. Well consider me your best friend because I’m here to tell you ten truths about raising kids that you probably won’t ever find in any parenting books.

1. The toddler years are way easier than the teen years.

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You think that temper tantrum your two year old is throwing is rough? Just wait until she’s thirteen and you can’t throw her over your shoulder and put her in the time out chair anymore.

2. Eventually you will cave.

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Via Flickr Thijs Knaap/ Creative Commons

Remember before you had kids and you were all “My children will never use electronics!” Soon you realize that the iPad equals getting to take a shower, clean the house, or read a book uninterrupted, and all those perfect parenting ideals you once had are out the window.

3. Bribing your children may seem like a shamefully poor parenting technique but it’s not because it works, damn it.

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I potty trained my kid in three days using M&Ms. Ain’t no shame in my game, yo.

4. Parenting will make you hate your spouse.

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Via Flickr: trawin / Via Creative Commons

Try to take turns changing poopy diapers.

5. You won’t know what that picture they drew you is but you will love it and you will hang it up anyways.

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It’s important to encourage all of your child’s creativity, even if it’s slightly pornographic.

6. You will lower your standards of cleanliness whether you like it or not.

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Via Flickr Elizabeth/Creative Commons

Remember when your house looked like something out of Better Homes and Gardens? Now it looks like Jackson Pollock vomited in your living room.

 7. You will imagine that your kids will be best friends and always get along. They won’t.

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It would be prudent to get some referee training to get through the first twenty years.

8. Your idea of family fun and their idea of family fun are totally different.

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Educational trips are never a good time.

9. They hurt themselves all the time.

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Via Flickr Môsieur J. [version 9.1] /Creative Commons

Parenting tip: Making them wear helmets every waking moment can really cut down on trips to the hospital.

10. You will get surprisingly good at pooping with an audience.

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Via The Stir

However, when you want them to go to bed at night, all of a sudden those little jerks are nowhere to be found. Try calling in a sing songy voice “Ohhhh guys, mommy’s heading to the potty, just a quick poo…” then wait until they all come running and make a quick turn into their bedroom and lock the door. Works every time.

What if a job required 18 hours of work a day, didn’t include benefits, the clients constantly acted like children, and also no one got paid? Yep, welcome to motherhood! These hilarious stay-at-home-moms keep it very real, and they inspire us to keep going. Even when our ‘bosses’ barf in our hair in the checkout line.

Whether you’re a Samantha or a Carrie, we’re pretty sure anyone can appreciate a strong mama with a sense of independence. Miranda Hobbes is a high-powered lawyer who’s prepared to be a single mom, though since this is Sex and The City she gets her fairytale ending anyway. But she gets through the rough patches by sheer power of will, and we’ve got a lot of respect for this tough mother.

Some moms spend every moment worrying about their children, working on their relationships, and just generally making sure they’re winning at parenthood. These moms aren’t those moms. Our mom crushes this week are a few of our favorite dgaf tv moms, the ones who say what they’re thinking and do whatever they want. Lucille Bluth, Roseanne Barr, Gabrielle Solis, Nancy Botwin, and Sophia Petrillo are our role models, and this Mom Crush Monday goes out to them.

Carmela Soprano is one tough mother. She’s the matriarch of a mob family, keeps the secrets of a whole bunch of bad folks, and manages to make a mean ricotta pie. We’re pretty big fans of the mafia mama, so we’re dedicating this Mom Crush Monday to her.

Ever watched It’s A Wonderful Life from Mary’s perspective? It’s Christmas Eve, her kid is sick, her family business is in trouble, and her depressed husband disappears for hours. But she keeps it together, and manages to raise eight grand in one night to save her family. Are we sure that George is really the hero of the movie? We love this tough, sassy mama and this classic movie, so this Mom Crush Monday was a no-brainer.