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Stacie Burrows

“I Don’t Need The Stuff Because I Have The Thing”

It’s the New Year and it’s time to purge my life of all the things I don’t really need. I’m starting with kid crap. You know, all the stuff everyone gives you when you have a baby and you believe (falsely) that you absolutely need it? Yeah, that’s the stuff! But knowing where to start is hard. What toys and gear does my kid still need and use? What adorable items can you just not let go of because it reminds you of when your hairy-legged, pimply-faced teenager was just a sweet little baby? Adding on that painful layer of sentimentality creates quite a dilemma. Once you amass as much as I have, it’s tough to just dive in. So, I’ve created a handy guide to helping others purge right along with me.

Ok, let’s get started. If your son has all of his adult teeth, you can go ahead and get rid of Sophie Giraffe. Yes, she was indepensible when he was teething, but I can assure you that he will not suddenly have the desire to chew on her while he is playing his Nintendo DS. No one will miss her. Be gone, over-priced French squeaky giraffe. Just between us, I always thought Sophie felt that she was more sophisticated than we were. She was kind of a snob.

On to the next item. If your son is mastering the skateboard, feel free to donate his Kettler Trike with the push handle to an actual toddler. Seriously! His legs are almost as long as yours. Even if he got a hankering to ride his old trike, it would be physically impossible. Plus, he would look ridiculous. Let it go, sister!

If your daughter’s feet are hanging off the end of her twin bed, you can safely donate your pack-n-play. There is no reason to keep it. You’re probably thinking, “Well, we might have company and they might have a baby and they might need a pack-n-play.” You know what I say, screw them! Let them figure out their own baby’s needs. They will probably look down on your ratty-assed, old grungy pack-n-play and not want to lay their precious new babe in there anyway.

If your daughter just got her driver’s license, you should absolutely get rid of her booster seat. Why have you kept it this long anyway?

Also, if your newly-driving teen daughter is shopping at Forever XXI, seriously, get rid of her footed jammies from when she was 9-months old. SHE WILL NEVER WANT THOSE AGAIN, not even if some random hipster trend develops that teens suddenly wear their old footed jammies again. They won’t fit her.

If your kid is taking his S.A.T.’s, you have my permission to throw away his homework from 1st grade. He will never, and I mean, never need to refer to it, ever. Even if something tragic happens to the Internet and Wikipedia goes away, he will never need it as a reference tool.

After you sort through the mountain of stuff that is weighing you down, I recommend that you keep one item from your child’s baby years and that is the baby monitor. It’s a great tool for spying on teenagers. Just saying.

Those of you hanging on to all this baby gear might be thinking, “Well, we might have another baby.” What???!!!?? Sure, you are allowed to have such irrational thoughts. But, remember you are having those thoughts as a well-rested, normal, almost sane human being. I recall after my second son was born swearing, “I will never go through that again.” Listen to that girl. She is right.

The message here is simple. You don’t need all this stuff to remind you that you once had a baby in your house. You have the person that you created. Isn’t that evidence enough? Somewhere else, there is a new mom who could actually use these things. Donate your stuff to a shelter, a preschool, or a friend. Everybody wins. And you can make room in your house for more stuff from Target. Seriously, have you been there? It’s awesome.

This post was originally published on Stacie’s KidKit World column “Seriously Funny“. For more from Stacie, click here

THE AUTHOR

Stacie Burrows is one funny mother of two. She vents, she curses, she laughs, she cries (mostly about nothing at all). She is a comedienne, a room mom, and a damn good cook. After leaving Texas, she moved to NYC and began doing comedy. Stacie lives in Los Angeles now with her husband and two ...

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