The Guide Every Man In A Relationship With A Woman Needs To Read. Please.

Dear Man With Whom I Have A Sexual Relationship,

We need to talk.

I know, I know, those are the four most disturbing words a woman can utter to a man and why didn’t I warn you before I said that?! I can see that glazed, unfocused look starting to shadow your eyes and am well aware that you’ve already begun blocking the sounds coming from my mouth and are searching desperately for your happy place (Baseball, beer, Halle Berry. Baseball, beer, Halle Berry) but snap out of it bitch! This is important.

To get straight to the point, we need to talk about foreplay. Or more accurately, the complete lack of foreplay in our relationship that has made me want to tear out my hair, wear sweatpants to bed every night, and refuse to have sex with you again until you learn the importance of a good make-out session.

I know that men don’t need much to be turned on. I’m well aware that all I have to do is casually touch your hand or maybe say ‘sex’ out loud and you’re on top of me like a cheetah on a dead antelope. But you’ve got to understand that I, on the other hand, need a little more than you sticking your hand down my pants to be in the mood. I am a woman and I need kissing and hugging and touching and all the other crazy things that they do in that far away place called The Movies.

Now it’s not that I’m opposed to the occasional quickie. But unless we only have 10 minutes until the kid wakes up and we haven’t had sex in 3 weeks and my period’s coming any second now, I honestly feel that a little more effort should be put into the whole mating ritual. It’s not just that I want to be in the mood to have sex, I physically need to be. If I’m not turned on beforehand, then sex is like a fifteen minute fire, burning in my crotch. And I mean that in the most ladylike way possible.

Please understand that it’s not that I want another reason to nag and bother you because you are really so wonderful in every other way. And when you do things like change the roll of toilet paper or make breakfast, my mind wants to have sex with you, it’s just that my body hasn’t sat down all day and isn’t quite convinced that this is the most productive use of my already limited energy levels. My body forgets very quickly how good sex can be, and it’s your job to convince it.

In order to be of assistance, I’ve made these helpful charts to demonstrate my point.

So, let’s assume this detailed and accurate medical illustration is me:

Then this would be an example of proper foreplay:

And this would not:

In case you need a little more explanation, I have outlined a few important rules:

1.) Crawling in bed behind me and poking around the back door for twenty minutes until you find a hole is a waste of time and there’s a 50% chance you’ll find the wrong one. It would have taken half the time to just kiss my neck first and let me show you where to go.

2.) If you decide in the middle of the night while I’m fast asleep that you want to have sex, understand you’ll have to work twice as hard to wake me up and turn me on and you might get punched in the face in the process. It might be worth going back to sleep and waiting until the morning.

3.) Grabbing a bottle of lubricant does NOT constitute proper foreplay. Other things that don’t constitute proper foreplay are farting, leaving your dirty socks on the floor, not putting your dishes in the dishwasher, suggesting that I go down on you, and turning on Sports Center.

4.) You naked laying in my bed, not a turn on. Put on some shorts man and leave a little room for the imagination! Penises are ugly… and finally…

5.) When in doubt, think about what turns you on, and then do the opposite.

I hope that this letter has helped you understand the importance of the matter at hand and that you will take immediate actions to resolve the problem or I will be forced to take more dramatic measures, which I have not thought of yet, but will be HORRIBLE! Feel free to print this letter out and keep it as a reference.


The Woman Who Loves You Enough To Wash Your Dirty Underwear

Originally featured on Eve’s blog, That’s My Apple!