Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, you probably have neighbors.*
*If you live in the middle of nowhere, are you looking to sell to a brilliantly hilarious blogger?
I’ve lived in many places over the years and have encountered several different kinds of neighbors. From apartments to condos to houses, one thing is constant: Neighbors are fricking weird.
Granted, every now and then you’ll get lucky enough to live next to someone who doesn’t do yoga in the nude with the windows open, but that’s not always the case.
(A note to my neighbors: allow me to apologize for my downward dog position sans pants. If you don’t like it, buy me curtains.)
Because I like to think my blog provides a public service to all of you, I’ve compiled a list of the different types of neighbors.
Perhaps you have one of these, or perhaps you are one of these.
If you’re the kind of neighbor who likes to bake things, allow me to quote Mr. Rogers and ask “Won’t you be my neighbor?” (Only without all the creepy old man in a sweater stuff.)
The Dog Lady: You’re pretty sure she’s operating a kennel and the amount of poo coming from that house could fertilize the lawns of the entire subdivision.
The Grouch: A real-life version of Oscar the Grouch, but without the trash can.
The Constant Gardener: (Not like the movie.) Everyone (or just you) pick(s) flowers from her garden daily and she rarely notices.
The Baker: She loves baking sweets and you let her make snacks for your kids’ school and your office parties.
The Gossip: There’s no need for tabloids. Just ask her.
The Nosy Neighbor: If you can’t remember what you had for breakfast, she can tell you.
The Trusty One: You have her house key…and so does everyone else.
The Hoarder: It’s a garage sale everyday!
The Strutter: She prances around the neighborhood in her tight shorts…in December.
The Old Chain Smoker: The amount of smoke coming from his house causes a weekly call to the fire station.
The Friendly Waver: Her arms are toned from her greetings to every passerby.
Maybe you’ve found your neighbor in the group, or maybe you’ve located yourself among this list. As far as my neighborhood goes, I’m the Grouch and the Crazy Dog Lady.
I’m cool with it though.