Felicity Huffman's What The Flicka - Crock-Whore Vegetarian Potato Soup
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Ashley McAtee

Crock-Whore Vegetarian Potato Soup

My name is Ashley, and I’m a crock-whore.

I admit it. I have become completely dependent on my slow cooker. My crock-pot wins me friends, impresses my coworkers, and keeps me from FREAKING OUT on my hungry husband who DAILY calls me to ask “what I’m thinking about for food.” My slow cooker has slowly changed my identity. No longer am I someone who eats taco bell three nights in a row because all the pans in my kitchen are dirty. Gone are the days of bringing store-bought crap to the office potluck. My crock-pot gives people the impression that I’m a kitchen goddess who “follows recipes” and “cleans up after herself” and “keeps fresh food in the house.”

CROCK-WHORE VEGETARIAN POTATO SOUP

Ingredients:
2-3 Potatoes
Another Root Vegetable
Salt & Pepper
Beans
Broth or Beer
Some kind of milk
Shredded cheese
Bacon Bits
Sour Cream

Directions:
Pull a couple potatoes out. Disregard the leafy sprouts that grow from the potatoes. I’m sure they’re fine. Wash them, peel them, and cut them up. Dump them into that miracle machine.

Find another root vegetable. Maybe carrots. Maybe celery. Onions would work. Clean, chop, dump.

Season that sh*t. Salt, pepper, garlic powder. Fresh garlic if you’re fancy. Got some Mrs. Dash? SPRINKLE THAT B*TCH IN.

Open a can of beans. Chickpeas. Or white beans. A light colored bean looks best in this soup, but let’s be honest, no one can actually taste the difference between a black bean and a white bean. We’re all just bean racists on the wrong side of bean history. THINK ABOUT IT. Drain those beans and toss them in the crock.

Now you need a liquid. Those pre-made cardboard broth things from Trader Joe’s will work if you’re like me and like to overpay for convenience foods. If you don’t have any broth or stock on hand, use a beer. Just trust me. 1 beer + 1 cup of water.

Set your crock-pot to low. Come back 8-12 hours later and your house will smell like soup and self-esteem.

The final touches are what let your spouse/fellowpotluckers/guests know how that you’re better at this than they are. Stir in some half and half. Or heavy cream if you keep that sh*t around. Plain old milk will work in a pinch. Then add shredded cheese. I used velveeta but I won’t judge you if you use cheddar.

Top with bacon bits (did you know that bacon bits are meat free?!) and sour cream and serve it up with some carbs. Fresh bread or better yet, potato chips.

Get someone to clean out that crock-pot for you, because nothing f*cks up a busy morning like a dirty crock-pot.

THE AUTHOR

Part writer, part social-media wizard, and part vodka, Ashley McAtee is a professional nerd who lives with her even nerdier husband in Los Angeles. ...

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