Children’s Horror Movies We’d Like to Make

Some parents let their children watch just about anything. I know mine did (and a special thanks, Mom and Dad, for allowing me to watch a movie about a hijacked plane the night before I flew). But most don’t want their kids to watch anything too scary…..if for no other reason than to keep them from sleeping in the middle of the parental bed until they’re in high school.

When Halloween comes around, this can be tricky. Unfortunately, there aren’t a ton of scary movies suitable for children, at least not young children. But that’s okay, because we can make our own. Such as:

A Nightmare on Sesame Street: The town runs out of windshield wiper fluid right as Big Bird dramatically ups his bran intake.

Psycho-hos: A child is told that he can’t have a Ho-Ho. He throws a tantrum, complaining about how unfair life is and how he can’t wait to grow up and eat all the junk food he wants. In the sequel (Silence of the Lamb Chops), he is sent to bed without dinner.

Lincoln Log Cabin Fever: Mysterious germs rapidly take over the toy room. In other words, it’s just another day at kindergarten.

Drag Me to Hello Operator: Give me number nine and if you disconnect me, I’ll kick you from behind the ‘fridgerator there was a piece of glass, Miss Susie sat upon it and broke her little ask me no more questions……Basically, the entire movie is that song. Don’t even act like you don’t know the words.

Children of the Common Core: A girl is asked to multiple 12 and 8. She answers with a soliloquy from Hamlet.

Paranormal Activity Mat: A mobile has a mind of its own – it randomly spins whenever the windows are open and there’s a very strong breeze outside.

I Know What You Did Last Summer Break: A child returns to school only to find out that his peers know that he spent all of last summer at Klingon Camp.

Jurassic Parker: A mother drives her children around in an ancient minivan. It’s from the olden days of the 1990s. It’s seriously like so embarrassing.

Featured photo via.