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Sex
Kelli Nelson

Can We Have Sex Tonight?

Posted by: on June 7th, 2012

Sex. When you write about life and motherhood, you know it’s going to come up. There are countless topics related to sex and many different reasons to rant write about it. Since the readers at Sweetness of Life & Motherhood had a lot of fun with this post and made it overwhelmingly the most popular, I thought maybe Flicka’s readers might like to have a bit of fun with it too.

During one of my visits to the salon, I overheard a group of women discussing how their husbands and significant others ask for sex. Literally.

“Can we have sex tonight?”

I didn’t join the conversation to commiserate for the sake of my husband’s anonymity in our little burb. But let me just say this for the record, mine does it too. It irritates me to no end. And it usually earns him an instant no.

Yes, dear. I’m up to my elbows in shit plunging this toilet and while you poking your head into the bathroom for the third time isn’t irritating at all, and because this time you’ve asked, “Can we have sex tonight?” again, I’m completely aroused. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.

Here’s a seemingly common situation that ultimately drives the question; an obvious check mark made next to a completed item on a prehistoric honey-do list. Yes, dear. Now that you’ve mowed the overgrown lawn to spare us further scrutiny by our neighbors and because you woke me at 5am to make your coffee before doing so, I’m absolutely stimulated. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight. In approximately 14 hours. Right after I finish ten loads of laundry.

Men possess a great sense of timing when it comes to sex. Ahem.

Another ask-you-for-sex method that’s merely an extended version of the original question: “Do you want a glass of wine and can we have sex tonight?” Yes, dear. Because while I’m finishing the dinner dishes, cleaning up countless messes left by not me throughout the house and bathing the baby, you’re actually going to get up and leave your remote to get me that glass of wine. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to be drunk to have sex. I’m 42. Not 24. And wine now makes me sleepy.

The conversation at the salon soon evolved into a full on discussion when a more youthful client mentioned another common peeve for women. Disgusting man habits. Apparently, her husband has no problem asking for sex while he’s performing his.

I quickly realized she was much too young to know this is customary behavior.

Yes, dear. I’m so glad you asked because having just watched you publicly scratch your balls for the hundredth time is quite the turn on. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.

I’m not an idiot. I know men truly believe they need sex on demand or they’ll die. According to my husband, his life span shortens and his susceptibility to life threatening illness increases exponentially each time I answer his question with no.

Dude, what ever happened to the back-massage-for-coitus-approach? Seriously. I would totally prefer a well-timed quid pro quo tactic.

Does your spouse or significant other ask this question?

Kelli Nelson is a writer and single mom living in the Midwest with her two children and their cavalier King Charles spaniel. She advocates for underprivileged children and women’s issues and is an active member of the Global Team of 200. Kelli has been named one of 10 Most Influential Mompreneurs of 2013 by VoiceBoks, The Voice of Parenthood. Her blog earned a spot in Circle of Moms by POPSUGAR’s 2012 Top 25 Family Blogs by Moms. She loves fiction, [...] Read More

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