1. Please, PLEASE sleep.

2. You’re on mommy’s PMS cycle, aren’t you?

3. Why? Because. Why? Because. Why? Because. Why? ….

4. We need to get you to preschool. Get your shoes on, please. Did you change outfits again? Well, get your shoes on. Repeat 10 times. Get your jacket. No, you don’t need to start changing clothes again. Get your jacket on. Repeat 5 times. Where’s your other shoe? Get that shoe on. Repeat 10 times. Okay, let’s get going. Repeat 5 times. Sorry, it’s too late to braid your hair. Hey, where did your jacket go? You just had it on.

5. Mommy will be right back. Twitch. Twitch. She needs to go to the kitchen and get a glass of “mommy juice”.

6.  Me: *cries* How did my baby get to be 4? Her: Silly mommy, I’m not a baby. Me: *sobs uncontrollably*

7. *Once they start school.* Why do I have more homework to do now that I’m out of school than I did when I was in school?

8. No, you can’t have a cell phone. You’re way too young.

9. *After incessant begging.* Fine, you can have a phone. But only for emergencies.

10. Will you get off the phone already?!

11. Go to your room! Just don’t use your computer, television, phone, iPod, kindle, gaming chair…. oh, nevermind! Go sit in the hall closet.

12. Don’t make me pull this car over!

13. Turn that music down!

14. Back in my day, they had “real” music.

15. Ask your father.

16. Sit your child down for the “big” talk. Have a serious and lengthy conversation about why Carrie should have chosen Aidan over Mr. Big. Use graphs, charts, and YouTube videos if necessary.

17. If you’re going over to your friend’s house, I want the parent’s names, home address, social security numbers, car make and model, and their blood type. Oh yeah, and 3 references.

18. Why, yes! Of course I waited until I was 18 to have sex. Definitely. Ahem.

What would you add to the list?

I Just Want To Pee Alone is a book of essays written by over 30 mom bloggers who have hilarious tales to tell about their experiences with motherhood. It’s one of the funniest books I’ve read in quite a while and I couldn’t put it down.

It’s a candid look at motherhood that will have you laughing so hard, it will leave you peeing your pants.

And let’s face it, if we didn’t laugh about the trials and tribulations, we would be in a corner crying and rocking ourselves back and forth with a glass of wine in hand. Wait, we do that anyway, don’t we?

In the book, there are such gems as:

In The Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Penis – About the best birth control options after 4 kids.

How Moving Made Me Want To Become a Carnie – Why finding and buying a house sucks.

Embarrassment, Thy Name is Motherhood – Who could ever forget that embarrassing vaginal ultrasound with the condom rolled over the phallic shaped instrument? Amy, from Funny Is Family, had me laughing so hard at this story.

I Just Want To Pee Alone is the perfect book for mothers of young kids and adult children. It’s guaranteed to put a smile on your face and will have you laughing out loud.

I am almost 9 years older than my younger sister. Throughout my mom’s pregnancy I was asked if I would rather have a sibling or a puppy. I chose a puppy every time.

But alas, I got a little screaming new sister. I wasn’t thrilled, seeing how I was an only child for nine years. But when she got older, I thought it was pretty cool. I was quite the mentor and would teach her important life lessons, like how awesome Duran Duran was or that Kraft cheese singles were the perfect food.

I would play “Sweet Child O’ Mine” over and over and she memorized the lyrics complete with Axl Rose’s microphone stand swagger. I don’t think my parents were too thrilled with that, but they were even less thrilled when I taught her Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” because she would sing at Preschool. Being a smart ass teen by then, I found it very amusing while I’m sure my parents were mortified.

The Tape
I also taught my younger sister the importance of Stephen King. We had a VHS of the movie Maximum Overdrive and I hadn’t seen all of it yet. It’s a movie about electronics and motorized vehicles (especially big ass semi-trucks) turning on people and killing them—perfect for a Preschooler! My parents went out for a while one day while I looked after my then 4-year-old sister. My dad told me right before they left, “do not finish that scary movie with your sister around.” The guy read my mind because I had already planned on putting it in the VCR as soon as they pulled out of the driveway.

I thought 5 minutes was a sufficient time to wait before I popped the video in to finish the movie while my sister and I played in the living room. I swear, not even a minute had passed and suddenly the electricity went off—with the tape stuck inside the VCR. Crap!

It seems like such a small thing now, but when you’re 12 things seem like a much bigger deal. I was hoping by some miracle I could pry out the VHS tape to hide the evidence, but it didn’t happen. I knew I was so screwed. The electricity was still out when my parents came home and I tried to play it cool.

This zucchini bread is delicious and I love that my 3 year-old picky eater gets some veggie goodness without knowing it. The Greek yogurt I added to the recipe leaves this bread moist and adds a punch of protein. This is also great to have before a workout or after. Enjoy!

Ingredients:
-1 cup chopped pecans
-2 cups all purpose flour
-½ tsp. baking powder
-½ tsp. baking soda
-½ tsp. salt
-½ tsp. cinnamon
-½ tsp. nutmeg
-1 cup granulated sugar
-2 large eggs
-½ cup canola oil
-½ cup fat free plain Greek yogurt
-1 cup coursley grated zucchini (about 2 small zucchini)

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 325 F. Butter and flour a 9×4 ½’ metal loaf pan. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg.

Using a medium bowl, whisk together the sugar, eggs, oil, and yogurt. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients, along with the zucchini and pecans. Stir until the batter is evenly moistened.

Place the batter in the prepared loaf pan and bake for 1 hour and 10 minutes or until lighly browned and a toothpick inserted in the middle of the loaf comes out clean.

Cool on a metal rack while still in the loaf pan. Once cool, turn the pan upside down onto the rack. The loaf should come out easily. If not, run the knife around the bread. Slice and serve.

When I was pregnant with the hummingbird back in 2008, I had never come across “attachment parenting, free-range parenting, or helicopter parenting”.

When my mom raised me, she was a tough but very loving parent. That’s all I knew and I admired and loved her for it. That’s what I wanted to be as a mom and I feel that I am that way now. Then I got into the world of blogging and my head swirled at all of these ways of parenting. To be honest, it made me feel like a giant f*cking loser that I wasn’t “the right” kind of mom. Whatever that is.

I feel like when it comes to parenting, I’m in the “happy medium” area. I let my daughter watch television during the day. I sometimes bribe her with chocolate so I can take a shower. Half the time when I read her a bedtime story, I’ll pass a few pages because I’m so freaking tired. She hasn’t caught on… yet. I told myself I would never let her eat at McDonald’s and recently, her favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. I cringe but since she eats very little, it makes me very happy to see her actually eat something.

I try my best to teach her manners, respect others, and be polite. I don’t always succeed. Sometimes we look though my US Weekly together and occasionally I’ll tell her mommy needs to watch one of her shows. Last week it was The Rachel Zoe Project. A girl needs to learn about fashion. I don’t *always* love being around her every second of the day. By 3 pm (sometimes it can be 10 am), I usually start twitching because I need a little time to myself. I drop f-bombs more often than I’d like to admit when I’m driving and she’s in the car. Example: “What’s the deal asshole? This isn’t a f*cking parade!!”

And I’m totally fine by my happy medium parenting, the faults I have with my parenting, and all of the trials and errors. I don’t strive to be a perfect mom because it doesn’t exist. I know I’m doing something right because I have a very bright and loving child. I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter.

This post was originally published on Elle’s This Is Mommyhood. For more from Elle, check out her blog and follow her on Twitter and Facebook.