So last Friday, I was immensely pleased with myself for finally putting on my workout pants and parking my car in the gym lot and even signing into the fitness facility.  Victory was mine!  I planned on doing a spinning class, a kind of intense indoor cycling where the teacher turns out the lights and plays something loud, and the beats that we match our bike strides to make me feel stronger than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his body-builder prime. That music creates an endorphin high like no other, and I look forward to that high, because it’s the only thing that melts the week’s stress away.

Only the teacher couldn’t get the music to work. Suddenly, that hour I’d been craving all week became torture.  I realized that music not only gave me something to groove to during class, but it also provided a way to make the hour of muscular agony pass quickly.  With music playing, spinning felt almost as good and easy to me as when I rocked the dance floor at my wedding: I didn’t want to stop moving because it was so much fun.

Without it, all I could focus on was how hard my legs were working, how tired I felt, and was the class over yet?  (No.)  Was it over now?  (No.)  How about now?  (Given that only one minute passed since you last checked the clock, the answer is still no.) Shoot! I thought of leaving the class, but I knew that working out was important for my body.  So I felt obligated to stay, especially since everyone else was toughing it out.

Still, this certainly wasn’t my usual endorphin infusion.  It was actually something else, something we call a toleration in coaching.  Tolerations are things that we put up with, even though we wish they were different, like I was putting up with my spin class instead of enjoying it.  Sometimes we can change tolerations or end them, but often we can’t.  Like if your kitchen is messy and you’ve tolerated the mess because you don’t have time to clean it, you can end that toleration by hiring a cleaning lady or asking a friend to drive your child to soccer practice so you have an extra fifteen minutes to wipe down the counters.  But let’s say you have a boss you don’t like or you wish you had more money in your savings account or your child just never wants to go to bed—ever—or you’re stuck in a spinning class without music and you’re too proud to leave….you may be able to change these tolerations over time, but for the immediate future, to some extent, you need to learn to accept them.

I don’t know about you, but I am lousy at accepting tolerations.  I’m terrible at it.  I become so fixated on finding solutions to any given problem that I will toss and turn in bed long after my husband’s light snoring begins next to me.  Like many of you, I want to find any way possible to eradicate my tolerations so that all the discomfort that accompanies them will disappear, but sometimes, they’re not mine to fix or I’m not capable of fixing them. Instead of accepting them, I just keep trying to fix, fix, fix, ‘til my fixer is sore.

Which doesn’t help.  Because what I really need to do is to accept things as they are, because if I don’t, I’ll just remain angry about things I can’t change, and being stuck in anger doesn’t pave a road to happiness.

Maybe you’re the same. So I thought it might be a good idea to come up with a few simple ways to help both you and me accept those difficult tolerations that we can’t end in the short term.  Here’s what I came up with:

1.     Shift Your Focus: Instead of focusing on the negatives of a toleration, shift your attention to something positive or something you’re learning.  So in my spinning class, instead of focusing on the lack of music, I could have focused on how great I would feel after class or how strong my body was getting.  Of course, it may feel overwhelming to shift focus if you’re tolerating something that just seems truly bad, like if someone you love is seriously ill.  In those kinds of situations, it may seem that there’s nothing good to be learned or discovered.  In that case, see number two.

2.     Don’t Tolerate Alone: One of my rules of life is that nothing is as bad when you have a friend by your side.  Sometimes the best way to reach a place of acceptance with a toleration—or to deepen your wisdom about it—is to have a good friend who will listen to your experiences and offer solidarity.  The job of a friend here isn’t to fix the toleration but to hear about it and experience it with you so you know you’re not alone.  So if you hate your boss, your friend won’t be able to get you a new one, but she may be able to make you feel less alone, and that may help you clear your head, manage difficult emotions, and accept the situation.

3.     Look for Long Term Solutions: I know I just spent a lot of time talking about the importance of accepting tolerations for your long-term happiness, but it may also be the case that what you have to accept now, you don’t have to accept later.  So let’s say you hate your boss but you otherwise really like your job.  And let’s just also throw in that you’re the primary breadwinner in your family, and you’re not vested fully in your company’s pension plan yet, so you probably shouldn’t leave your job right now anyway.  This is a pretty great example of a toleration you have to accept because quitting isn’t a realistic option…..or at least, it’s not a realistic option for now.  In this case, while it’s important for your short-term sanity that you accept that you can’t change your boss at the moment (see #1 and #2 for help with this!), maybe you make a resolution to keep your ears peeled for any office employees who may be leaving in the coming years.  Or maybe you decide that two years from now, when you’re fully vested, you’re going to apply for new jobs at a different company, so you start making a plan to network more and beef up your resume.  These aren’t short-term solutions to the toleration, but they make accepting the toleration easier while you actively seek change.  And that can make you happier overall.

So what are the things you’re tolerating in your life?  Can these three solutions help you to accept—and maybe even end—those tolerations?  Are there other solutions that come to mind?  (If so, I can’t wait to learn from your wisdom!)

A few weeks ago, I heard a news story about 228 customers at a Tim Horton’s who paid for the coffee of the person or car behind them.

It went on for three hours.

Employees cheered.

What the customers did at Tim Horton’s is called paying it forward—giving a gift someone wasn’t expecting.  Paying it forward is usually a small gesture, but the kind that has a huge payoff.  (Wouldn’t your day be made if someone bought your morning coffee?)

Since we live in a time where the news saturates our minds with stories of people being everything from rude to horrifically violent, it’s easy to forget that people are basically good, and it’s also easy to forget that we have the power to better people’s lives.  Even when the person is a stranger. I mean, it’s pretty amazing that so many people displayed so much generosity for such a long period of time.  They all paid it forward, and they inspired me to want to pay it forward too.  But how?

My first thought was, “This is kind of crazy—we women already care for so many people.  Our spouses, children, parents, friends.”  And yet, I know that if a stranger bought my cup of coffee, that kind of generosity would make my whole day.

So I began to think of some small things that we busy women can do to bring a smile to the face of a friend, neighbor, or even a stranger.  Here’s the list I came up with.  I hope it inspires you (and I hope to hear your own ideas as well):

1. Let Someone Ahead of You in Line: We are always rushing, and there is nothing worse than that person who scoots ahead of you in line with twenty five thousand grocery items in their cart when you only have one.  So the next time you’re at the grocery store, if you notice a person behind you who’s got that one lonely bottle of deodorant or tampons, let them go ahead of you.  Or, if you’ve got some extra time, let the person with the overflowing cart ahead of you instead.  Either way, you’ve saved a stranger a few minutes at the grocery store, and that’s something they won’t forget.

2. Write a Thank You Note: A few days ago, someone gave me a handwritten thank you note.  Not even the kind with a one line, “Thanks so much for my gift.  Love, Friend X,” but a genuine, heartfelt note.  And it made my day.  With e-mail and texting being so darn easy, it’s tempting to save time and stamp money by just whooshing out a quick, “Thanks so much for the Christmas gift/your time/babysitting my kids/letting me cry on your shoulder.”  Fast.  Easy.  Done.  Box checked.  And yet, there’s something so grounding and sweet about a thank you note that arrives in the mail, with a handwritten name on the envelope and an extra sentence or two about why the gift or time or gesture of love was so meaningful.  Plus, it’s a token that can be saved, pulled from the back of the sock drawer on a bad day to make that day just a little better.

3. Send a Care Package: A few years before I got married, I broke up with a boyfriend and

So, I am amazingly not good at asking for what I want or need. And I know I’m not alone in that. A lot of us women — busy, successful, loving and caring though we are— find it really challenging to ask for the things that are important to us.

Like in this instance: The other day I was stuck on an epic airport security line, and even though I arrived an hour before my flight (per airline recommendations) I could tell that a tortoise would have beat me to the metal detector.

“I should ask that security guard in the corner if I can go to the front of the line,” I thought to myself as the man leaned back and forth on his heals.

I didn’t. 10 minutes passed, and I hadn’t moved at all, not towards the security guard, not towards the metal detector.

“I really should ask,” I thought, my fingers fumbling at the Scrabble game on my phone that was intended to deflect my anxiety, except that it was heightening it because I couldn’t find a place to put the letter J. I turned off the game looked at time on my phone. It was clear I would miss this flight without some immediate action.

“Just ask him,” I thought. “The worst thing that happens is that he says no.”

I took a step in his direction. Then I stopped. Then I took another step. Then I moved backwards. This is like bad remake of the “Opposites Attract” music video, I thought to myself—two steps forward, two steps back. Or it’s like a first date at that awkward moment where you’re saying goodnight at your doorstep and wondering, “Am I going to be kissed? I’d like to be kissed now. Of course, it’s totally acceptable for me to initiate the kiss in this modern era. And I am a modern, empowered woman, which means I can do it. I will do it. I will initiate the kiss.”

[Pause where your date is staring at you with a raised eyebrow.]

You start to lean in…and then…then…

Then you drop your purse on purpose so you don’t have to initiate the kiss, and even though you can’t quite explain why you dropped it in that moment, within ten seconds of ending the kiss-less date, you realize that fear got in the way. And that’s why it’s so challenging for us women to be assertive about the things we want or need: Because of fear. Maybe it’s fear of rejection. Maybe it’s fear of not succeeding. Maybe it’s fear of making a mistake.

Now, whatever kind of fear is your roadblock, it’s worth finding a way around it. And that’s not to say that you will always get what you want just because you’re brave enough to ask for it. But it’s still worth the journey, because sometimes, many times, the answer is yes, and you wouldn’t have discovered that otherwise. In other words, it’s worth asking for the things that matter to you — that raise at work or the Christmas present you really want or help taking care of your aging parents or a babysitter once a week so you can get to the gym. It’s worth asking for these things because it’s a show of respect for yourself. And, just as we find it easy to value other people, we need to learn to value ourselves and our own needs as well.

So here are four steps to help guide you on the path to asserting your desires. You can use them in any order, and you can pick and choose the ones you like, though using the steps in order may be a great way to start:

As a rule, I don’t wear side ponytails. Or ponytails secured at the crown of my head. Or clothes that don’t match.

Except with my niece Elle.

You see, when Elle was 18-months old, she piled a bunch of hair on the top of my skull and insisted I secure it with a rubber band before doing the same to her own. It looked ridiculous. And it felt fantastic. That’s because Elle is that fabulous kind of little girl who doesn’t think inside the box. She doesn’t think inside the box because she doesn’t know there is a box. In Elle’s world, boxes carry birthday presents and Christmas presents but otherwise have no purpose or relevance whatsoever. (Except that if one is empty, she might turn it into a doghouse inside of which she would climb, giggling, and say, “Woof! Woof!”)

But anyhoo… For Elle, the world is a colorful adventure, a jungle of an art project. A bagel becomes a canvas upon which she paints cream cheese and jelly with a fork. All clothes look fashionable with a tutu, and no pair of shoes lacks silver glitter. You see, like boxes, rules don’t seem to exist in Elle’s world. And I don’t mean that Elle’s a disobedient little girl—she follows the important rules just fine. When her mom says to take a bath, she runs upstairs. When it’s time for bed, she dutifully puts her pajamas on. Elle’s got no problem with those kinds of rules.

It’s all the other ones she flaunts — the ones we adults take for granted, the ones we follow so consistently that we forget they’re rules at all. Like this one night, we were all cooking dinner together and Elle’s father asked her what kind of music she and her brother wanted to hear. Aidan, her charming twin brother who just tries his darndest to do the right thing all the time, said he wanted to listen to his dad’s favorite bluegrass. Which was all fine and well until Elle ran over and put her little hands in front of her and sighed, “Not bluegrass, Aidan. Pinkgrass!”

That’s a typical Elle remark.

So that night when Elle threw all my hair on top of my head and insisted I tie a rubber band around it, I remember feeling like a clown wearing an extra big nose and gigantic shoes to a black tie dinner. No mature adult woman wears half her hair in a style that looks only slightly less messy than Cousin It. But maybe we should. Because giggling on the floor with Elle and her brush, I felt more alive, more vibrant, than I almost ever do.

How can you energize your Inner Elle? Here are some ideas to get you started

1. Make Your Meal an Art Project: Elle likes to paint peanut butter and jelly onto her bread and cream cheese on her bagel. She also does a pretty spectacular job turning yogurt into finger paint. Can you think of simple and fun ways to make eating more artistic? Buying a squeeze bottle is an easy and inexpensive way to make your meals more beautiful. Zigzag olive oil or pesto sauce across some tomatoes and fresh mozzarella for a gorgeous caprese salad, or drizzle balsamic glaze instead of balsamic vinegar on your salad for a more polished look. Even popping a mint leaf on the top of some store bought ice cream can turn a simple dessert into a creative treat.

2. Make Fashion Fun: So maybe you feel a little old to be wearing a tutu with everything, but that doesn’t mean that your clothing has to be, well, too adult-ish. Next time you have the opportunity, look in your wardrobe for a top and bottom you never pair together. Try them on, look in the mirror, and even if you don’t want to wear the combo outside, lounge around the house treasuring your inner fashionista.

3. Play with your Nest: Elle likes to keep busy, and one of her favorite ways of doing that is to take all the baskets around the house that her mom uses to hold newspapers and create what she calls an “orphanage.” She lines the baskets up, gathers armloads of baby blankets to put inside, and then nestles all her little stuffed dogs and frogs—because Elle has a thing for dogs and frogs—inside. And voila: an orphanage. While it may not appeal to you to create a new home for your stuffed animals, what about playing around with your own furniture? Rearranging the living room is a luxurious yet inexpensive way to stimulate those artistic brain cells and give your home a makeover. Slather on a clay mask or exfoliating scrub from the grocery store while you rearrange the furniture for a double makeover!

4. Just Draw: Crayons pressed into paper, Elle’s little hands scribble circles and lines across the page at a frenetic pace. But when you ask her what she’s drawing, don’t expect a plan. Her usual response is, “Why do you always want to know what I’m drawing? I’m just drawing!” So often in life, we have an agenda or deadlines or goals and we forget to take a moment to just do something for pure enjoyment. Maybe for you that involves drawing a picture like Elle, or maybe it means playing a game with your child or taking an impromptu drive to an open space where you can watch the sun set or rise. Whatever it is, being open to doing something just for the pleasure of it is a wonderful way to exercise your inner creative muscles.

How would you like to be more creative in your life? Can you imagine breaking a few rules to do it? How can you cultivate your Inner Elle?