I’m delusional. Really, I am. Each day I wake up and try to convince myself that being almost 40 and pregnant isn’t so bad—that I can still rock it like a 20-something preggo mama. After all, I am married to someone 15 years my junior. I have street cred, right?
Screw street cred. Seriously…who am I kidding? This being almost 40 and pregnant “stuff” is like having sex in a 90 degree, non-air-conditioned room. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to be pregnant—very thankful for this little life growing inside of me. I wouldn’t change things for the world! I just wish all the media reports and so-called expert advice told the real story. When you’re almost or over 40, pregnancy does take a toll on your already “aging” body. Take it from me. I’ve been pregnant five times over the span of 23 years. It was MUCH easier when I was in my twenties.
Older and pregnant? Here’s a look at some of the joys that come along with it:
-It’s a well-known fact that as we age, our bladders become weaker. If you’ve already had a baby or two (or four like I have), chances are your bladder is already pretty damn weak. And when you’re pregnant, with the baby and all the gazunk resting squarely on your innards, things are probably as reliable as a swimming pool that has been shot with a nail gun.
-Unless you’re Dolly Parton or blessed with phenomenal genes, everything starts heading south right around age 38. You might be pregnant and filling out in some places, but things are not about to suddenly point north. It’s like holding two water-filled tube socks up to your chest.
-Aches and pains are inevitable as we move toward our twilight years. Add in the cervix kicks, Braxton Hicks, backaches and other reminders that your body is harvesting life and getting ready for labor, and being older and pregnant is about as much fun as being a voodoo doll in a federal prison.
-At 40 we require more sleep than we did when we were 20. Pregnant? Forget it. Aside from the first trimester when you’re practically narcoleptic, sleep is not going to happen. Yes, the second trimester does bring about a sudden rush of energy. But this is the kind that is like adult ADD meets crystal meth. Your body and brain NEVER shut down! The third trimester, you can’t get comfortable. Sleep is still nothing but a memory. Good thing zombies are back in fashion.
-A recent study revealed that pregnancy does indeed cause some memory loss. Great. Old age does, too. Smack ‘em together, and you’re the equivalent of Lucy in 50 First Dates.
-As we get older, hormone levels fluctuate. One day they’re up, the next day they’re down. Throw these fluctuations in with extreme, out-of-control pregnancy hormones, and, holy shoots, you’ve suddenly become a weeping Jack the Ripper.
Okay. Maybe I’m being a little overly dramatic and hyper-sensitive. Blame #6! There are some positives to being an older preggo. For one, you’ve miraculously delayed the onset of menopause for at least another nine months. Woo hoo! And two, that insatiable sexual appetite that many pregnant women experience is still present no matter how “seasoned” and pregnant you are. Hubba bubba mama! Enjoy!
This post was originally published on Crystal’s blog, Mommifried.com.