A Mom’s Ashley Madison Profile

Editor’s Note: This was posted by a contributor who wishes to remain anonymous. 

A couple of weeks ago, hackers broke into the dating website Ashley Madison and stole the profiles of a bunch of folks looking to have discreet affairs. Then they threatened to release users’ information if the site wasn’t shut down.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is bad stuff. Hackers shouldn’t be hacking. Cheaters shouldn’t be cheating. But as a married mom myself, I’m befuddled by several parts of this story, like how do any of these adults have time to have an affair when I don’t have time to buy the groceries? Or this: The hackers released a couple of profiles several weeks ago where members advertised exotic requests for things like “erotic tickling.”

Erotic tickling? Really?

Which made me think: Profiles on a site like Ashley Madison are —I imagine (because I don’t have a profile) — dreams. They’re fantasies. They’re the great, “If I could have anything, it would be…”

And I think us moms can do a lot better than erotic tickling, as far as fantasies go.

Which made me think, if I could live my dream, my ultimate fantasy, what would it be? So here it is, the Ashley Madison profile I would post if I had time to make one:

UserID: Sexy666

Description: Woman looking for the night of her dreams.

About you: I’m a woman whose body can do amazing things who’s looking for the night of her dreams.

Smoke: Are you kidding? It causes lung cancer.

Drink: Now that’s a different story.

Body Type: Curvy in all the right places.

Interests: yoga, swimming, reading, movies, cooking, baking, eating ice cream, making ice cream, facials, massages, long walks on the beach, short walks on the beach, any visit to a beach, and sunny day picnics. (How often I have a sec to do any of these is a different matter. Message me if you want details.)

Secret Fantasy: I dream of lying in a bed with a down comforter and freshly laundered white sheets and brand new pajamas from a fancy lingerie store that you picked out. I want the lights low with the warm glow that comes from a lamp (no overhead lights please) and you will come in with a platter on which there will be a pyramid of dark chocolate truffles, all for me. You place them on my lap and begin to give me a neck rub as I raise a piece to my lips, savoring every dimension of its creaminess. And finally, dear profile reader, here is the most important part: After you finish rubbing my neck, you will walk out of the room, quietly as you came, because you see, I’m a mom, and my fantasy is quiet and rest, and if you give that to me, you will be my knight in shining armor.

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