The other day I was cruising the interwebs while my children were watching TV (don’t judge – Mommy needed a break) when I came across an article about women hiring “glam squads” for their delivery room photos. What does that mean, you ask? It means that women who have just pushed humans out of their vaginas are taking the time to schedule a blowout and a make-up application before posing for an official photo of themselves with their new babies.
Look, I totally understand not wanting to look horrible in all the photos of your child’s birth. I’ve been there (twice) and I can tell you that I have no plans to use my delivery room photos as my headshots anytime soon, but this is just ridiculous.
- You are not famous. Unless you are a Princess or a Kardashian, and your entire livelihood revolves around looking put together at all times, you have no business getting your hair done before you’ve even managed to produce your first post-birth pee.
- No one is looking at you. The only person anyone cares about in those newborn photos is THE NEWBORN. I promise that Grandma Milly will be too busy staring at her new Great Grandchild to notice whether or not your hair is neatly coiffed.
- Giving birth is exhausting. Incidentally, this is probably why it is called “labor.” After 12-36 hours of working to expel a small human from your uterus, you should rest! You really do not need to expend any extra energy chatting with your hairdresser about his new boyfriend and their upcoming trip to see Britney Spears in Vegas.
- It’s all about that baby. Remember that baby you just had? The one who you gestated for nine months and then pushed out of your lady parts? It’s pretty unlikely that your new kid is just going to chill in his bassinet while Mommy takes a shower and gets glamorous. No, your newborn is going to want to be attached to your boob all the time, or simply sleeping on your chest where he can hear your heartbeat. Your life from here on out is mostly going to revolve around your child, so why not save yourself some money on therapy bills pertaining to traumatic birth experiences, and spare your kid from a turbocharged blowdryer interrupting his nursing sessions.
- Ugly photos are the new normal. Just think of that horrible photo of you with your newborn baby as your big welcome to the Motherhood club. Thanks to your child, you no longer have extra time to waste trying to snap the perfect selfie. Nope, you now live in the world of heinous photographs of yourself. You have a lifetime ahead of you to wonder how it is possible to capture quite so many photos of you sporting yoga pants, no makeup, and a hideous expression. You will begin to despair of ever again looking attractive in a photo, because a decent photo of a Mommy is rarer than a Big Foot sighting.
- Love is beautiful. You, with all your faults and age lines, are absolutely perfect to your newborn, and you don’t need makeup or hairspray to capture that.
Besides, if all else fails, there’s always Photoshop.
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