I’ve been part of the Facebook world for a few years. I’m actually so familiar with Facebook that I wish there was a way to “like” people’s work emails instead of actually responding.
I think this would facilitate better response time and happier work environments for all. Liquor in the office would also help, but one step at a time.
But with the perks of Facebook, like checking up on high school friends and finding out what your creepy neighbor is doing, comes the other end of the spectrum.
I like to make funny status updates, as no one wants to read about my ingrown toenail or razor burn. If only other Facebookers limited the sharing of personal information as well.
Instead, various categories of status updates have developed, and I’ve divided them into descriptions.
I’m pretty sure that all of you know at least one person in your list of Facebook friends that meets each of these criterion.
And if I am one of those people, feel free to delete me immediately, and kill me now.
1.) The cryptic poster
We all know this person. This is the poster who puts something on their status just to make people ask questions about what’s going on.
“I wish it would all get better” or “How can people be so cruel?” are just a few of the posts in this poster’s repertoire.
These people are craving attention and most likely have daddy issues and a cough medicine addiction.
Okay, maybe that was a little bit of a generalization. Some of them may have a Tylenol PM addiction as well.
I make it a point to NEVER comment on these posts, as I don’t like to validate the behavior, and I definitely don’t want to know why they’re being cryptic. If we were really friends, I would know what the problem was.
Since we’re only Facebook friends in the world of cyberspace, I don’t care enough and really just want to watch another video of a puppy trying to climb out of a clothes basket.
So stop being cryptic. We all know you’re waiting on your test results to see if you have the Clap. Stop trying to hide it.
2.) The constant poster
I don’t so much have a problem with this poster, as I find him amusing. This is the person who updates his status every 2 minutes with absolutely nothing of importance.
I know everything about this poster from the time he gets up in the morning to the duration of his bowel movements. I can calculate it based on when he’s not updating his status.
What? Like you don’t do the math too. Come on.
This poster always makes me feel better about my own life, as I barely have time to scratch my ass, let alone update the world that I had chicken tenders for lunch.
My favorite occurrence is when the constant poster has 2 posts in a row that show up immediately next to each other in my news feed.
If I find 3 of these posts in a row in the feed with no posts from other friends intermingled, I call it a jackpot and celebrate with a 40 of beer and an entire bin of cashews.
Nothing says winner like some cashews. Seriously. They’re delicious.
3.) The complainer
Everything in the world is always wrong and no one else has it as bad as this person. You’ve got a cold? They have a cold superimposed on the flu.
You can’t pay your bills? They’re hooking on the street for money. You’re having a bad day? Their cat died because their brother ran over it with his car.
These people make me want to vomit, but I don’t because I know their vomit would inevitably be worse than mine.
The thing about these posters is that they never really have a clue about life, and most of the time they actually have it pretty good, but they are too self absorbed to notice.
These people need to make an appointment with a shrink (or keep the one they’ve made), and get over themselves.
4.) The party pic poster
This is another one of my favorites. This is the person who only updates his status when he’s drunk, and finds it necessary to upload 30 pictures of himself and the same two people at the same function all in the span of 15 minutes.
I love this guy! If you take a look through his photos, the only pictures ever uploaded are drunk photos from 2 a.m.
I like this poster and prefer to view all pictures from this friend. I also enjoy when these photos include the ever-so-famous “duck face” that people do where they purse their lips for the camera.
I’m not sure who told people this looks sexy, as I think it makes the person either look constipated, or like they had a reaction to a lip injection.
If my husband looked at me and made this face I would probably think he was having a stroke, not trying to entice me to “sexy time.” The presence of this face would actually ensure that he slept in the guest bedroom for a good 3 nights.
5.) The inaccurate spelling and grammar poster
There’s always a few of these in every bunch; the people who are incapable of writing a single post without spelling and/or grammatical errors.
These posts always hurt my eyes and make me lose confidence in our school system. Sometimes they can be fun if the person doesn’t include proper punctuation, as I like to read it the way it’s written, and then guess how the writer really meant it.
Some of these people need to learn the importance of a period, although I have a feeling a few of them learned that importance fairly early in their sophomore year of high school…when they missed theirs.
6.) The constant seller
This is the person who has a side business (or 5) and they sell something no one wants, but act like every product is a “must have.”
No, I don’t want a pore reducer made from the shit of a fire ant from South Dubai. I’ll stick with Noxzema. It’s cheaper and it doesn’t require me to order from a catalog or pay shipping.
And no, I don’t want your Tupperware. That’s what tin foil is for. I like to form it into shapes, which always just end up looking like blobs, but it sparks creativity for me and I enjoy it.
That, and I’m trying to make a foil ball bigger than Pee Wee Herman’s at his Playhouse.
Also, I’ve heard of Gladware and my cabinets are filled with it.
For $3.99 I can get several storage containers and then I don’t feel bad about throwing them away when I leave them filled with food in my car for 5 days and ruin the container.
Come to think of it, that might be the cause of the smell in my car….
I could go on and on about other types of posters, but I don’t want to turn into a blog poster who writes long posts. So I will stop for now. Besides, I need to update my Facebook status anyway.