Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka? - 50 Shades with Spanx
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Annabelle Gurwitch

50 Shades with Spanx

Ok, I admit it, I didn’t read 5O Shades of Grey. It’s not that I’m a culture snob, I’ve watched my share of Real Housewives and I’ve lost an embarrassing amount of time to googling Honey Boo Boo clips. There was one season I got secretly hooked on Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker. When my husband took our son to a baseball tournament in Cooperstown, I was glad it was only four days, otherwise, I might have been found drooling in front of the television, wearing the same clothes, having not bathed, eaten, and babbling continously about how “the penis does the picking!!” Scary.

But I just didn’t read 50 Shades. I feel like I read it, I mean, it was in the ether and even my sister who is much smarter, busier and better read than me read quickly paged through both books and said it was fun and kinda titillating. Sorry, Lisa, didn’t mean to out you, but never tell me anything don’t you don’t want to be seen in print, you should know that by now.

I just didn’t get to it. There were two reasons. One, I’m not so into that domination/submission fantasy scenario. I know, it’s very popular, but the truth is, I had a boyfriend in my twenties, who wanted to spank me, and honestly, I found it both annoying, silly, and I felt like I should be charging him whatever the going rate for therapy was at the time. We broke up not long after I misunderstood something he requested in bed. He asked me to talk to him. I proceeded to list my schedule for the day. I didn’t know he meant, “talk dirty.” My bad.

On top of that, I have to confess, my mind is mostly occupied with other things right now besides sex. It’s not that I am not so incredibly grateful that I have a husband who finds me sexy, but if you were to see my face in the throes of passion, it might look as though I was a bartender at 4am, who has shaken her last martini for the night. She wants to please every customer, sure, but she’s also glad her shift is almost over. It’s just that, I’m…. tired. I get up at 6am every day to make my teenager breakfast. And I’m not complaining, it’s my favorite part of the day. We’re on a count down – only four more years before he hopefully goes off to college and breakfast is one of the few times when he’s tired enough to tolerate my company.

Then there’s work, carpooling, music lessons, orthodontist appointments- you know the drill. My bedroom fantasies right now involvehigh thread count sheets and fluffy pillows. A massage thrown in and a steam room and that’s the total package. Ok, and a square of dark chocolate- that’s my secret passion.

That was my reality, that is, until my computer died and I went to my local Apple Store, and realized that the biggest turn on for me is someone who can fix my computer. Yes, I feel in love with my Apple Genius. It turns out that I’m not alone. I’ve done some googling and lots of folks find the Geniuses sexy, although Trader Joe’s baggers seem to be gaining on them in hotness rankings on Yelp.

So, that’s why I’ve written this story, Autumn Leaves. It’s my version of 50 Shades. If you wondered how you might fit a torrid affair into your carpooling schedule or how you’d make getting out of your Spanx look sexy, well, this one’s for all of us!

Autumn Leaves was released yesterday (November 14th) exclusively on www.zolabooks.com. Get your copy of the E-Book here for only 99 cents!? In the words of Felicity Huffman: “Annabelle Gurwitch stares into the maw of middle age and makes you laugh, cringe, hoot and holler. She turns 50 into a battle cry and a hallelujah.”

THE AUTHOR

Actress, author, schlepper is most proud of having produced one kid and two books. Fired! has hilarious stories of being canned, including one by Flicka (it's a documentary that you can rent at Netflix), and her new book is on marriage, You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up. The kid came out of her vagina, the books from ...

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