5 Ways to Cock-Block Your Teenager

My sixteen-year-old son has a girlfriend. She is sweet, and pretty, and when the two are together, they rarely come up for air. Oh, to be young and in lust. If you’ve read my previous post, Once Upon a Condom, or watched my video on talking to my children about sex, you’ll know that I am quite open when it comes to the subject of amore.

However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I am not a teenager, still a mom, and super annoyed at all the heavy-petting happening in the backseat. So – I took it upon myself to encourage my son to wait before going all the way, and also, to interrupt their teenage passion at random, opportune moments. Here’s how it’s gone down so far:

1. Slam on the brakes. It’s amazing what coming to an abrupt stop in a vehicle does to two teenagers making out in your backseat. Foreheads clang, teeth cut, and belongings spill all over the floor, creating a five minute sexless diversion. A simple “Damn bird,” usually suffices for an explanation.

2. Loudly honk when approaching in a vehicle. My son needed a ride after school, and when I found him, he was neck-deep with his lady love. I found that pressure applied to the horn creating a loud, embarrassing sound not only caused the two to stop making out, but drew onlookers from near and far. Of course, I preemptively followed the honk with a giant smile and wave, pretending to be one of those super happy moms genuinely excited to see her child.

3. Point out every hickey. Two simple words, “What’s that?” said clearly with reasonable volume opens a vacuum of awkward excuse-making, trying to convince a mom who’s seen it all, that they aren’t suction marks, but bruises from accidentally bumping into wall corners and locker doors.

4. Hang. Some call this stalking; I call it “Surprise, I’m here, too!” Mall tongue-gouging sessions are frequently interrupted this way. I found that a peace offering of free food not only soothes an angry teenage son, but also keeps the young lovers occupied while having to separate their mouths to chew.

5. Ask really complicated, long winded questions. Whenever my son’s girlfriend is in my presence, I make an effort to ask conversational questions like, “Tell me your plans after high school” often followed by “Why’s that?” or “How does that make you feel?” which, like the free food mentioned in #4, keeps her mouth occupied for long stretches of time.

Do you have any great cock-blocking techniques for your teenager? Share them below. One more thing: I’d like to apologize to my elders for being an obnoxious, horny 16-year-old. I had no idea how repulsive I behaved. I hope they can forgive me.