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I like to think of myself as young. I mean, I can rock out to rap music and I watch “The MTV.” I also know my way around the Internets and I know text lingo (lol, ttyl).
I’m a pretty young and hip chick, although the fact that I refer to myself as a “hip chick” might actually disqualify me from being either one of those things.
Although I’m forever young in my mind, I’ve recently realized maybe I’m not as young as I think I am.
Don’t get me wrong, I still laugh when someone farts (especially when I do it), and I giggle every time someone references any sort of genitalia, but there are some things that make me just seem old.
I hope I look better than this lady does when I’m old. I also hope I have a drink in my hand.
Some of the things I’m okay with, and others I’m not.
I have a feeling I could make a very long list, and perhaps I will make it a recurring theme on my blog to break up the stories of how I’ve injured myself, or how my dogs have destroyed something in my house.
But for now, I’ve come up with five things that have made me realize I’m getting old.
Either way, grab your Werther’s Originals and your knitted afghan and read along about how I’m slowly deteriorating into old age.
I hope you can read this over the horrid smell of BenGay emanating from my sore muscles. Mall walking is no easy task.
1. Music in restaurants and rock concerts is really loud
I’m not sure when this discovery happened, but all I know is that it’s true.
A few months ago I went with my husband to see an indie band. You know, cause I’m hip and stuff.
The concert was in a smaller venue and the music was so loud that it immediately pissed me off and I wanted to punch someone in the face.
I couldn’t understand why they felt the need to play so loudly, and why I was the only one with my hands over my ears begging them to play some Kenny G.
I actually stepped outside to get away from the loud music. I also wanted to separate myself from my husband, as his head banging was a little more than embarrassing.
He looked like he was having a seizure and I didn’t want to be there when he inevitably herniated a disk.
I thought maybe this was a one time thing, but it seems wherever I go, I’m annoyed by the sound level of music.
Just this week I was in Chipotle again. I know, I know, don’t judge. Their music was so loud I actually considered complaining. I didn’t because I didn’t want to adversely affect the amount of guacamole I received the next time I came in…which would be 2 days later.
But still, they need to turn that music down.
2. I would rather stay home and watch the game and drink my beer. It’s cheaper.
This one was especially painful to realize. I love going to a sports bar for some wings (and nachos, and toasted ravioli).
I also love watching the game and throwing back a few drinks.
See how hip I am? I even used some cool language to refer to drinking.
At some point, however, I realized I would rather stay home in my pajamas and watch the game. I don’t have to wear a bra there. It’s also more comfortable and no one judges me when I cuss at the TV, or when I fart during commercials.
My dogs look at me strangely when I do this, but I tell myself they’re not judging me.
I also prefer to watch games at home because the drinks are cheaper. Whether I’m sipping (or pounding) vodka or beer, the alcohol is much cheaper to purchase in bulk at Friar Tuck’s than it is to buy a la carte at the bar.
And the people at Friar Tuck’s don’t expect a tip at the end of the night, even though they’ve screwed up my order and forgotten my side of Ranch (which is unacceptable).
However, I suspect Friar Tuck’s employees are figuring out I’m not having a party every weekend, and the liquor purchases are just for me, not for my many important guests who drink Miller Lite.
It’s so much easier to get up from the couch and make myself another drink. The fact that I don’t have to wear a bra or make up is just an added bonus.
Pants are also optional.
3. I wear orthopedic shoes
This isn’t so much a realization as a simple fact of life. A sad, simple fact. I’m pathetic. I know.
I Recently discovered I have plantar fasciitis, which is a fancy way of saying I have pain on the bottom of my feet.
Orthopedic shoes, although less than attractive, alleviate the pain, so I think they’re magical.
The problem is they aren’t made by fashionable people. Actually, I wonder if they’re made by people who are fashionable, but want to punish those of us with this condition.
I probably would do that, so I suppose I can’t blame “them”…whoever “them” are.
Most of my orthopedic shoes are flip flops and you can’t tell they’re special.
My workout shoes are a different beast entirely. They’re white and hideous and look like they belong on the 55 year old head nurse at the retirement home, or to any male over the age of 60.
Oh, and they’re boat sized. Seriously. They’re huge. My friends tell me they aren’t bad, but I know they’re lying.
Sadly, the orthopedic shoes are out of my control and something I blame on my mother, as this condition is hereditary. Thanks mom!
4. Game night with friends is really fun
Gone are the days of getting ready to go out at 10:00 at night. By that time now I’m usually in bed, or nodding off on the couch to an episode of The Big Bang Theory.
My husband is completely obsessed with this show. I think he might actually want to be best friends with Sheldon.
I remember when I used to go out with my friends to the bars and stay out until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. Not so much now. I’ve recently discovered game night and it’s amazing.
Matt and I have started hosting game nights at our house. I realize this sounds super lame, and it probably is, but we love it and we have a blast.
I prefer all my guests to wear comfortable clothes, but pants are required. We have ridiculous amounts of food and all sit around playing Catchphrase and Pictionary.
It doesn’t sound like much fun, but I assure you trying to guess “giving birth” when someone draws a picture of a woman with something shooting out of her vagina is pretty stinking funny.
If this makes me old then I don’t care.
5. I am sometimes offended by lyrics in songs
Although I don’t have a problem with old school rappers like TuPac and Dr. Dre, I find myself becoming a bit offended by lyrics in today’s music.
This makes me not only old, but pathetic as well. I realize this, but I still get irritated by the lyrics. If the music is loud, then I’m doubly annoyed (See Number 1).
For instance, the song If I Die Young by The Band Perry is especially offensive.
Not just because the song is bad and the singer sounds like she is singing with marbles in her mouth, but because the lyrics seem to be glorifying death at a young age.
The first time I heard this song I thought to myself “Why would they do a song about dying at a young age when all these kids are being bullied and committing suicide?”
I then wept softly to myself because I realized I had become my mother.
And what about the E.T. song by Katy Perry. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some alien action. ALF was my favorite show growing up.
I don’t think Kayne West singing about probing someone is particularly kid friendly or appropriate. Wow, even typing that makes me realize I’m old.
Should I just sign up for my AARP card now?
I wish I could take these things back and rock out all night to offensive music turned up at a loud volume while wearing regular shoes in a bar. But instead, I will turn down the volume, listen to some music by The Carpenters and enjoy game night in the privacy of my own home.
I may be getting old, but at least I will be comfortable doing it!