20 Things I Never Said Before I Had Sons

I remember when Quai was about four and I had to sit him down and explain that he had to start wearing underwear when he was playing outside because it was making the neighbors uncomfortable. And I remember the baffled look on his little face and the “But, WHY?!!!!” that was filled with so much anguish that you’d think I was asking him to cut off his foot and sacrifice it to the monster living under his bed.

And I distinctly remember thinking, “Huh, so this is my life now? I have to tell someone to put their penis away?” Little did I know that eight years and two more sons later, “you have to wear pants in public” would only be one of the countless crazy things I’d have to say in my own house.

1.) Put your penis away.

2.) We don’t point guns at our moms.

3.) Why is there a jock strap on the table?

4.) No, I don’t want to bite your foot.

5.) Where are your pants?

6.) Dude, put on your pants.

7.) Seriously. Where are your pants?

8.) Bees are not pets.

9.) Raccoons are not pets.

10.) Optimus Prime is my favorite Transformer too.

11.) No, you may not take apart the microwave.

12.) Why does it smell like pickles and syrup in here?

13.) Yes, you can be a dinosaur when you grow up.

14.) How many lightsabers can one person need?

15.) Where are all my tampons?

16.) Why is the closet door sticky?

17.) No daggers at the dinner table.

18.) Where are all the couch cushions?

19.) Who peed on the floor?

20.) No. Mommies don’t have penises.

This post was originally featured at Eve’s blog, That’s My Apple. Photo via