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Halloween is a lot different as an adult than it was as a kid. For example, I don’t have to wear a plastic mask over my face—the festive equivalent to wearing a plastic bag on my head.
I hand out candy, which means I get to pick and choose how old kids are before they have to do a trick to get the treat. I get to use the “I need to check all your Halloween candy” line in order to see what the goods are and throw out all the Smarties.
A few other perks include:
1. It’s the only day of the year where it’s perfectly acceptable to stuff your face with crap for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Except for the purpose of stuffing your face with crap.
2. Seeing Michael Myers on the front lawn is not only acceptable, but expected.
3. Paranormal Activity is a lot scarier on Halloween. Actually, it’s just scary. That movie messed me up through Christmas of 2034.
4. You can go to work in your pajamas, even if you sleep in your underwear.
5. You get to see inside your neighbor’s houses. Without being creepy. Even if you are creepy, it’s okay. It’s Halloween. See #2.
6. You still have 54 days to get your Christmas shopping done.
7. Rotting produce on your porch is encouraged.
8. What generally are secret, weird fetishes, like cross dressing or being a furry, are totally acceptable in public. Likewise being a federal politician is also welcome.
9. If you’ve been worried about the re-percussions of performing witchcraft in public, well, today’s your day!
10. The frightening condition of your house is welcome without judgement.
11. There are no insane “Black Halloween” sales that promise “killer deals and savings.”
12. Snack-size candy bars. Even if you eat forty in one sitting, small candy somehow feels less fattening.
13. As a Non Trick-or-Treater, I reserve the right to not hand out Smarties.
More than anything, I get to help get my kids ready and dressed up. I get to decorate their faces and watch their eyes light up with excitement. I get to hype them up over Halloween for three weeks before the big day, making it a fun part of their childhood.
Maybe if Michael Myers had that, he wouldn’t feel the need to stand on anyone’s front lawn.