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It is a miracle. It is a joyous experience. Birthing my 2 (soon to be 3) kids = my life’s greatest achievements. However, there are many aspects to pregnancy and birth that no one talks about.
So I will.
1. Most of your maternity clothes will stop fitting comfortably around week 32. There are just no clothing manufacturers that can really figure out how to keep our pants up comfortably after this point.
2. You will stop looking at yourself in the mirror at around week 30. However, you will accidentally pass in front of a mirror at some point around week 32 and notice that your shirt does not cover your stomach. This will happen in a public bathroom. You will be away from home for the day and will not have another shirt with you.
3. No grown up in your life will have had the courage to tell you about #3 because they are all scared of you. Your kids would have told you if they had noticed.
4. Speaking of your other kids, they WILL tell you how it is. Your 4-year old will catch sight of your protruding stomach while you are getting dressed one day and say, “Whoa, Mom. Cover that up.”
5. You will experience an exhaustion like never before, but somehow, you will have insomnia. You will lay awake at 2 a.m. having to pee (even though you will have peed twice in the last 20 minutes) wishing for sleep.
6. After 30 weeks, you will pee your pants a tiny bit if you sneeze.
7. You will get nosebleeds at unfortunate times — like while you are getting your son ready for school. Therefore, you will drive him to school with tissues stuck up your nose. Your 2-year old will point at your face and say, “Boo-boos in Mama’s nose?”
8. The bigger you get, the more people will tell you how “great” you look and how “small” you are. These people are lying because they are afraid of you.
9. You will hold on to your gym membership, despite the fact that you only walk at a 2.5 pace for 30 minutes on the treadmill, so you can have a place to put your kids. The gym employees clearly will not want you there anymore and will look at your stomach with horror when you walk in.
10. At some point in the last 6 weeks, you will abandon any and all attempts at normal “maintenance” like painting your toenails and shaving because these tasks are too painful and you cannot see what you are doing anymore. And really, what is the point?
11. You will feel an extreme loathing for your partner followed immediately by love and appreciation for them all within 90 seconds. They will start spending time in other rooms to protect themselves from your wrath.
12. You will be pregnant for a really long time. 40 weeks is as close to an eternity as you can get, but it does end. Eventually.
Stay tuned for the 12 truths no one tells you about birth. Except me.